


In My LIfe

by beingalive



Category: Glee
Genre: Blogs, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-26
Updated: 2013-05-27
Packaged: 2017-12-13 00:52:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 34,410
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/818034
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beingalive/pseuds/beingalive
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It is Blaine's freshman year at NYADA and Kurt is now with Adam who he eventually marries. Blaine is and always will be Kurt's best friend but as he finds it difficult to see them together he writes a blog, reminiscing and describing his love for Kurt. What happens when Kurt finds these blogs?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is a story from a prompt on hummelgasm's tumblr.

Blaine had always dreamed of this moment. This was it – this was his time.

He walked out of the closest subway to his new apartment, fresh out of high school, eighteen, his whole life ahead of him, with such promise and possibility oozing out of him. He always assumed that music would play in his head as he emerged from the subway station, that everyone would know he was here but as he was nearly pushed up the steps and his nose hit by the acrid smell of the city, where someone had pissed on the side of the steps – well it wasn’t what he expected.  
This had been his first grocery shopping trip in this new city, first time on his own after his parents had settled him into his apartment and helped him vaguely unpack his belongings. He was excited as he said goodbye to his family, knowing that everything lay ahead of him but as he opened the door to the tiniest apartment he had ever seen and took off his shoes, he felt a tad disappointed. Maybe it didn’t begin until classes started.  
His phone vibrated in his pocket and he took it out to reveal a message from Kurt, which caused his face to erupt in a grin instantaneously. 

All arrived and settled yet?! – Kurt

Just got my first pint of milk in New York baby! – Blaine

Free for your first visitor? – Kurt

Always :) – Blaine

And he was always free for Kurt. Kurt, if he was completely honest had been the main reason for his application to NYADA earlier this year. It was a renowned, prestigious institution, the reason for many a Tony but although Blaine craved the limelight and loved performing, he only wanted to be where Kurt was. Kurt who had been his best friend through their time at Dalton and Kurt’s senior year at McKinley. Kurt who was the love of his life, who he had loved and lost on a simple friend request from someone that definitely wasn’t worth it. Kurt and Blaine had discussed their future and it had never entailed such heartache and need for forgiveness.  
For Blaine had tried so hard to earn Kurt’s forgiveness and while they remained friends – Kurt being gracious and allowing him to ring at least once a week – no further commitment had been made. They had met and sung together at Christmas and Valentine’s Day, had smiled slyly at one another and hooked up but nothing had come of the sweetness and the friendship. Kurt had assured Blaine he had forgiven him but there had been no mention of a reconciliation, no mention of rekindling their relationship beyond the casual get-together and Blaine was left forever wanting more.  
After the wedding, the infamous hook-up and the need for more, Kurt had returned to New York and lived his life again, seemingly without Blaine. He had gone exclusive with Adam and although Kurt rang Blaine often, helped him with his NYADA application and the audition process, there was no mention of anything further. Blaine felt like Kurt was a passing ship and he was desperate to get on the deck again.   
Kurt sounded excited as soon as he heard that Blaine had been accepted and would be renting his own tiny place that his parents would pay towards as long as Blaine got a part-time job. Kurt rarely mentioned Adam during their telephone conversations but Blaine knew they were permanently together, knew from casual conversation with Rachel that Adam was practically living with them now and they seemed pretty cosy. Blaine only felt a pang of pain whenever Adam was mentioned.  
Blaine was always happy to see Kurt, always pleased to hear from him and he started opening the box full of mugs for coffee and start his coffee machine whirring in anticipation for his first visitor.  
Kurt arrived soon after and was immediately hugged by Blaine, as they hadn’t seen each other for a few weeks. Kurt looked taken aback as he parted from Blaine to take a look tentatively around the tiny place Blaine was renting.   
“It’s nice,” Kurt mused as he wandered, “Rent must be a fortune and you couldn’t swing a dead cat in here but it’s cute,” he finished and turned towards Blaine smiling.  
“I like it,” Blaine whined but smiled and started making coffee.  
“Looking forward to classes starting soon?” Kurt asked as he checked out the view from the window.  
“Yeah, really excited for it all to start actually. I wasn’t expecting so much noise and dirt here,” Blaine said, pouring milk and handing Kurt a mug. Kurt giggled.  
“Yeah it can be pretty busy but amazing, you’ll get used to it. The city never sleeps.”  
“Maybe I should get a roommate,” Blaine was saying as he looked out over his view too. “I can see myself getting lonely here.”  
“Yeah might be an option although you barely have space,” Kurt laughed, “You can always come round to see Rachel and me, you’ll never be lonely.”   
Blaine noticed the casual omission of Adam and felt his stomach fly at the thought that they might not be as together as he thought.   
“Are you all prepared for the start of the new year?” Blaine asked.  
“Yeah I think so, I mean you’re never prepared for everything but the classes are great and I’ve got my first audition next week, so I’m busy prepping for that.”  
“Wow Kurt, that’s so exciting,” Blaine bounced and Kurt looked fondly at him. He had loved their telephone conversations but nothing could beat seeing Blaine all bubbly again face-to-face.   
Kurt tried to wave him off, already thinking he probably wouldn’t get the part and deciding to ignore the feeling of complete adoration that washed over him at Blaine’s excitement.  
“Hey I almost forgot, I brought cakes!” Kurt said rushing to his satchel and opening a box of goodies. “Here’s to your new place and your first night in New York Blaine,” he said as he handed him a cake and smiled. Blaine gulped. He was finally here, the place of dreams and standing next to the man he wanted to be with for the rest of his life.  
“Here’s to a new year,” Blaine said, tapping his cake on Kurt’s and smiling.

xXx

It’s a few days later, after Blaine had traipsed the city for some kind of part time employment to finally find a job as a barista a few hours a week, that Kurt comes for coffee. Blaine is rushed off his feet but as soon as Kurt comes in there’s sunshine and Blaine realises that he’s done for and he needs to wise up.  
“Hey,” Kurt says bounding up to the counter once it’s his turn, “May I have a grande non-fat mocha please?” He winks, clearly enjoying the fact that he’s giving Blaine his order, knowing full well it’s been memorised for three years.   
“Coming right up sir,” Blaine says, playing along. They only have time for a little conversation so Kurt doesn’t hesitate in inviting Blaine to dinner tonight at their place, say around 7? Blaine nods and smiles then Kurt whizzes out of there and Blaine serves the next customer while he wonders whether Adam will be there too.

xXx

Blaine arrives just before seven, armed with a plotted plant and wine and Kurt grins widely at the plant as he ushers Blaine in.  
“A plant?” he asks comically, “We’ve lived here for a year Blaine; we don’t need a plant that Rachel can accidentally kill.”  
“Hey!” Rachel exclaims from the kitchen as she chops vegetables, “I heard that!”  
Blaine and Kurt both laugh and as Blaine places the wine and plant on the kitchen table there is an awkward moment where Blaine is unsure how to proceed. How do they go on as friends? They seem to hesitate in the middle, hovering between hugging and kissing on the cheek and as Kurt takes Blaine’s jacket, he kisses him a little too slowly on the cheek. Blaine’s eyes are wide as he decides to suddenly talk to Rachel about his upcoming classes and all the class information he has received. He has already noticed Adam isn’t here.  
“So what’s for dinner?” Blaine asks pleasantly as Kurt opens the wine and Blaine realises that he may never have this. They have such a nice set-up, so friendly and welcoming, Blaine realises he wants to live here with them both and feel comfortable again, feel like he belongs.  
They laugh and joke as Kurt and Rachel warn him about the different teachers and their expectations, while sharing a wink indicating they’re winding up eager-to-please and naïve Blaine, who will do anything to fit in amongst the new freshman. Dinner is nearly ready and Blaine and Kurt have set the table. There is a wonderful moment when Blaine hasn’t folded the napkin correctly, maybe accidentally on purpose, and Kurt chastises him, nudging him in the side and Blaine tickles Kurt, causing him to giggle and Rachel to look at them carefully. Then there is a knock on the door.  
There is a moment of silence. Awkward silence where Rachel looks at Kurt, knowing full well that he has forgotten his other guest and that he now needs to answer the door. Kurt realises this soon after, where a fleeting look of apprehension shows itself on his face, and he opens the door to find a waiting and grinning Adam.  
Adam was here after all and Blaine tried to plaster on the smile, but it didn’t quite reach his eyes and he knew it. Rachel noticed.  
“Hey Rachel,” Adam says as he enters properly, kissing Kurt a little too fiercely and Blaine looks away awkwardly. As he walks towards the kitchen, Adam’s eyes alight on Blaine and his smile falters a bit.  
“Blaine,” he says coming forward, “Nice to see you again.” And he extends his hand in greeting and Blaine looks down at the offending hand and shakes noncommittally. He’s so polite, despite his knowing of his past relationship with Kurt, that Blaine can’t help but admire him.  
They eat quietly, Rachel trying to fill the awkward silences with idle chit-chat and Kurt sending fleeting glances from Blaine to Adam. Adam seems confident, despite knowing that Blaine broke Kurt’s heart but Kurt looks constantly worried. Blaine feels guilty then, looking at Kurt’s expression of fear, so desperate for everyone to get along, that Blaine is determined to make it all better.  
“So I hear you’re in a glee club here?” Blaine asks conversationally and Adam instantly describes Adam’s Apples and their love of singing and goofing around. Kurt smiles at Blaine in appreciation of the effort he knows he is making and listens intently to Adam and his grin gets wider. Blaine realises then that he has started to lose. Blaine may have a friend in Kurt but Adam is getting his heart. Blaine’s heart breaks as he listens.  
Conversation is improved after much wine and Kurt seems to relax as his cheeks grow warmer. They decide to watch a movie and Kurt is awkwardly placed between Blaine and Adam. Blaine deliberately keeps his distance and Adam is close but not too close. As the film progresses, Adam seems to sink closer, so his head is practically resting on Kurt’s shoulder, though his eyes remain open and Blaine tenses. He remembers all those times Kurt and him would snuggle on the sofa during a movie, either fall asleep curled into each other or creep closer, only to fall into kisses and making out. Blaine decided to leave early.  
“Are you sure?” Kurt asks, suddenly worried, his eyes wide from the sofa as Blaine stands.  
“Yeah, I’m sure, got work early tomorrow,” Blaine lies and Kurt nods slowly, knowing that he is lying but letting it slide. “It was nice to see you again Adam,” Blaine says kindly and he kisses Rachel on the cheek before he leaves. Kurt suddenly rushes up and says he’ll walk him to the door.  
As they stand awkwardly at the big sliding door, Blaine goes to hug Kurt, though it lacks warmth. Blaine always wants more but is never sure how much to take.   
“Thank you for making an effort with Adam, Blaine,” Kurt says sincerely, “I really appreciate it.”  
“Don’t mention it,” Blaine shrugs and he really wishes Kurt wouldn’t. “I’d better go,” he says indicating the door.  
“Yeah, see you soon?” Kurt asks and Blaine nods, trying to smile but failing. Then he is gone and Kurt hesitates at the door before he turns to see his new boyfriend on the sofa. 

xXx

And Blaine does see Kurt – quite regularly actually. Despite different years, they have a few classes together and Kurt seems to always pop into the coffee shop for a drink while Blaine is working. They discuss lessons together, songs they sing, dances they perform and Blaine really appreciates having a sophomore or two, to help with the process of settling in. He makes friends easily and seems to always be out enjoying new college life in this great city but he still comes home to an empty apartment while Kurt returns to Adam. Blaine doesn’t see Adam all that often but when he does, it pains him anew to see Kurt relaxing with someone else, to see Kurt’s smile at someone else’s touch or his eyes roll as he is massaged on the sofa after a stressful dance rehearsal. He chats with Adam quite often, finds out more about him, where he is from, what he loves to do and Blaine finds himself enjoying the guy’s company and realising that under different circumstances, Adam is exactly the kind of guy that Blaine would be friends with. Kurt sees them become tentative friends and is clearly quite eager for it continue, despite the awkwardness at his two worlds meshing at the start. Blaine realises he has moved on, and as he sees him happy, talking away to Adam about a particularly crazy teacher who has them working twice as hard as anyone else, Kurt’s eyes are lit up and animated, just like they used to be when talking to Blaine.   
Life continues, work carries on and Blaine puts his heart and soul into performing and seeing friends, including Rachel, Kurt and Adam but life always seems to fall short of his expectations. The fact that he knew Kurt had forgiven him, actually made things worse. Blaine was left wondering whether their discussions of their future together while at high school, was just a pathetic dream and wish. Through all the misery and heart ache, after the valentine’s hook-up and singing together, Blaine still hoped that one day, one bright sunny day, they would miraculously come together again and life would be right. Blaine would look over at Kurt’s serious expression as he read his latest issue of Vogue and he knew he always wanted those glasz eyes and clear complexion in his life, his heart melting again at his high giggle and his dimple.   
Blaine was determined to be there for Kurt, through thick and thin. If he couldn’t be the best boyfriend, he would be the bestest friend and be there until the end. Kurt would just have to see eventually, as the fog around Adam cleared and Kurt realised, Blaine would still be there and would always remain. Kurt would see soon.


	2. Chapter 2

Life continues - its constant ebb and flow - where Blaine waits patiently, spends time with Kurt alone or often with Finn, Rachel and Adam as a group. He has his own friends and although he decided against getting a roommate, he is rarely alone, constantly going out or to work; rehearsals and classes keep him busy. It is easy for Blaine to shine here, his dapper charm and good looks have the guys and gals flocking to him and his popular voice, although not perhaps as unique as Kurt, has recording contract all over it. Blaine fits in easily.  
He works hard, knowing that determination and effort are the main keys to success and there are weeks where he doesn’t see Kurt, but their lives continue and they are always close. They keep in touch through text and Blaine can tell when Kurt misses him because he suddenly appears at the coffee shop, knowing Blaine is working, and orders coffee as if it was coincidental that he was in the neighbourhood. Blaine watches Kurt mature and change into the man he knew he always would be – confident, super talented and striking and it seems an age passes when Kurt is suddenly graduating.  
Adam and Kurt have been living together since Adam graduated a couple of years ago and had managed to secure work in television. He started off small, working in theatre too, though less musical productions and more plays. Rachel and Finn often have dinners where all glee members that found their way to New York eventually laugh and argue over pasta, reminiscing about their golden glee club and catching up on news. Blaine loves these evenings when Kurt comes alive and laughs and sings with the rest, Adam trying his best to add his own anecdotes but not quite fitting in. It is as he sitting listening to Santana retell the story of Finn losing his virginity to death stares from Rachel and awkward glances from everyone else, that Blaine sits and watches Adam and Kurt sit together on the sofa. Kurt is far from nervous when Blaine and Adam are in the same room now, almost coming to the conclusion that Blaine has dealt with it and they can all be best friends together, with no concerns. Kurt has curled into Adam, like he used to with Blaine, hardly noticing the easy way they are together. Blaine knows this is usual behaviour, they have become so attuned to each other, they barely realise they have locked arms and legs, it is just somehow natural. Blaine feels only a sharp pang and his attention is suddenly drawn to Santana.  
“So hobbit, are you getting any?”  
“W-what?” Blaine stutters and instantly flushes, causing Santana to shake her head sadly in understanding.  
“Oh you have got to get on that,” she says in her usual cutting manner and Kurt looks at Adam nervously, feeling sorry for Blaine. Blaine looks around the room at the pitying expressions and realises he is the only one not in a couple. They have all found their soulmates or returned to them, why hasn’t Blaine? For Blaine knows they belong together but now as he looks at Kurt quickly he realises Adam has been with Kurt far longer than Blaine and everyone assumes that Kurt has found the love of his life, that high school was just a blip.  
But it wasn’t a blip for Blaine and Blaine suddenly wants to run, to get out of there quickly. He doesn’t want to make a scene so he excuses himself to go to the bathroom instead and finds himself running his hair through his lightly gelled hair and sighing. Tears well in his eyes, tears that he never lets fall, always ploughing on with life, always prepared to do his best and never fail. Just sometimes it all gets too much. He is just about to prepare himself to go back into the room with the others when he hears a gentle knock on the door.  
“Blaine? Are you in here?” Kurt - gorgeous Kurt who still cares. Blaine finds his heart break a little more.  
“Yeah, nearly out, sorry.”  
But as Blaine tentatively opens the door, Kurt pushes forward slightly, forcing Blaine back in the bathroom.   
“Kurt, what are you doing?”  
Kurt sits on the edge of the bath and looks slowly and carefully at Blaine, really trying to figure him out and find the right words to say.   
“Are you ok? You seemed a bit down in there.”  
“Yeah I’m fine, let’s go,” Blaine said, indicating the door and walking towards it until Kurt touches his elbow and he feels some of his steely resolve slip slightly.  
“Blaine…. You can tell me you know. I’m always here.” It is Kurt’s expression of love and kindness that has Blaine in sudden tears and he feels such a fool but as he sits on the closed toilet, head in hands, he knows Kurt was always able to read him, always understand.  
Kurt lets him cry lowly for a while, only rubbing his arm in a soothing way and soon Blaine can look at him again and apologise.  
“God Kurt, I’m sorry.”  
“Don’t be silly,” Kurt says smiling, “You can always talk to me Blaine, you’re my best friend and always will be.”  
Blaine looks up at that admission, his heart melting slightly. He always hoped he would at least be that to Kurt but the knowledge that he will only be that also hurts.   
“Really? I thought Adam might have that role now,” Blaine whispers, looking down.  
“Oh a boyfriend can never replace a boy’s best friend,” Kurt chuckles and continues to rub along his arm. Blaine feels himself get warmer at the touch and smiles, knowing that they were both lover and best friend to each other in high school. It is possible to have friendship and love, all wrapped in one person and Blaine is glad that Adam can’t have it all.  
“What’s been happening?” Kurt asks, “I feel like we haven’t had a proper catch up in ages Blaine. I miss you.”  
“God Kurt I miss you too,” Blaine says almost desperate at the thought of how much he has missed Kurt.   
“Well let’s have a dinner tomorrow night, just the two of us, a proper catch-up and you can tell me everything.”  
Blaine nods and smiles warmly at the idea but knows that not everything can be said and no amount of talking to Kurt will ever bring him what he truly wants.  
xXx  
Just before Blaine graduates, he is able to meet a top producer who advises him how best to get his voice heard and recognised. He schools him how to prepare demo tapes which he does and he manages to get an EP sorted to sell at the cafes, hotels and bars that he sings at during his time at NYADA. Blaine continues working hard and he doesn’t let his gruelling work ethic slip, even though graduation is looming. Kurt and his parents are invited and Kurt feels tears shine in his eyes as he sees Blaine with his cap and gown – both of them achieving their dream and now onto bigger and better things.   
Kurt has been able to secure smaller parts on Broadway in the last year since his own graduation, enough to continue living his dream and he auditions all the time in the hope that the next part will make him a big name. Many are impressed with his unique voice and the depth of the emotion he displays whilst singing so it’s only a matter of time.   
It is as Blaine returns to his apartment after another graduation party with all the seniors, that the phone rings and he answers it to hear an excited Kurt on the other end.  
“Blaine!” he exclaims, “You’ll never believe what’s just happened, I can’t believe it and I’m crying and laughing at the same time – is that even a thing?”   
Blaine recognises the rush of Kurt’s voice, the bubble of excitement and the speed in which he talks as signs of something exciting happening and he laughs at Kurt fondly until he is told the news.  
“I’m engaged Blaine! Adam just proposed to me!”  
And that is all Blaine hears. A rush of blood goes straight to his head, whirring in his ears, causing his eyes to blur and he doesn’t hear the babbled details of the proposal, the excitement in Kurt’s voice just washing over him as the news sinks in.  
Kurt is engaged. To Adam. Kurt is happy.  
The idea that Kurt will now be completely out of reach, will be completely separated from him, hurts him like nothing else before. He was sure that his heart never fully healed, now it is definite. This is how Blaine is going to die and he suddenly remembers to breathe as he hears Kurt sigh happily through the receiver.  
“I just can’t believe it Blaine, I mean I’m going to marry the love of my life, how many people get to say that? I mean I’m just so lucky.”  
“Yeah, really lucky Kurt – congratulations, I’m really happy for you.” Blaine doesn’t really hear the rest, it’s now only excited babble and he agrees to meet Kurt for coffee in a few days and hangs up.  
Blaine slowly sinks on the sofa and watches a few lights across the city switch off. His apartment is so high up, he never really felt the need for curtains or blinds and he watches the world gently go to sleep as he stares at the universe, wondering where it all went wrong.  
xXx  
Blaine meets up with Kurt three days later and is ashamed that this is the first time he has left his apartment since Kurt’s phone call. He barely washed, his hair completely breaking free and the entire contents of his cupboards and fridge have been eaten but he makes an effort for Kurt, who barely notices that anything is different when they meet for coffee.  
They hug closely, as always, especially when Kurt is without Adam, and Kurt’s face is a picture of happiness. His grin could not be wider and Blaine realises he needs a moment and decides to order their drinks while Kurt finds them a table.  
Blaine stands at the counter, one in a long line, and clenches and unclenches his fist in an effort to get control over himself. He always was proud that he could control his emotions, display his feelings appropriately. It had been a lesson he had learned the hard way through high school but as a consequence no one ever really knew what he suffered or how tormented he felt. This day was no exception and Blaine realised it would be his biggest acting challenge so far but he wanted so desperately to be happy for Kurt.  
He had almost sorted his head as he sat in front of Kurt on the sofa seat but watching Kurt, bubbly and excited, relaying the details he already knew about the wedding, he struggled. Kurt and Adam had already set the date and booked the venue. They knew the general themes and colours and Blaine knew that the details revealed so far were Kurt’s ideal wedding, the same details that Blaine and Kurt had discussed. The same ideas were in Kurt’s wedding book that he had started compiling from the age of eight and Blaine could still picture the location and the outfits that Kurt had designed for the two of them.   
“I wanted to ask you a very important question Blaine,” Kurt said, his face a big grin and his eyes twinkling with happiness, “Will you be my best man?”  
“Oh Kurt, I’m sorry but I already have a wedding of a friend from college on that day. It’s wedding season then and I guess as it’s only six months away…” Blaine hated lying to Kurt and seeing the hurt cross his face almost made Blaine want to retract the statement and agree to anything Kurt asked.  
“Oh,” Kurt said simply and he looked down at his coffee, “I guess I understand.”  
He clearly didn’t but Blaine maintained the lie and started talking about the catering and the outfits that Kurt had planned, hoping to distract Kurt with other details. Kurt soon brightened up and Blaine felt relieved.   
It is as Kurt talks about the songs he wants to sing and have played at the wedding reception, that Blaine realises he just wants Kurt to be happy. He loves to see him smile, his beaming face a reflection of his inner beauty and Blaine never wants a tear to grace that face or a frown to crease that clear complexion. Blaine would do anything to make sure that never happened.   
He realises what a friend he’s been to Kurt, how he’s thought only of his own sadness and his work and college, never Kurt’s best interests and he has to acknowledge now that Adam makes Kurt happy.   
He had thought, so many times, of telling Kurt how he feels, how he knows they belong together, but as time went on, life became more complicated and Kurt’s relationship with Adam only stronger. He couldn’t say it, there was never a moment. He was forever hoping that Kurt would realise it on his own but he never seemed to recognise their love for what it was and it only seemed to push him closer to Adam. Blaine looked at Kurt, in the coffee shop, finally content and excited about his future, and he knew he couldn’t take that away, he knew he couldn’t tell him how he felt now after all this time.   
Blaine decides to walk through the park on his way home and he sees the couples, the families, the dogs and the joggers. He knows that there are happy people here and sad, knows that life is a mixture of the ups and downs but Blaine doesn’t remember the happy. He hasn’t had a relationship since Kurt, no one has even come close to catching his eye and as he noticed a couple whispering to each other and smiling warmly on a park bench, he realises he wants that, needs that in his own life. Kurt it seems has moved on, maybe he needs to do the same.  
As he trolls the internet later, seeing the endless tumblr posts and blogs, people spilling their secrets to the vast unknown, he realises he could do the same. He could write his diary, his thoughts and feelings, his memories and use it to document everything but also to clear his mind. He would do it anonymously, never mentioning names but those posts could be his way to therapeutically explain himself and move on. Closure was all he needed, he was sure. 

In My Life  
A blog celebrating love and acknowledging heartache

“Let's start at the very beginning  
A very good place to start”

Maria Von Trapp had it right, I think when she sang ‘Do Re Mi’. The beginning is always the best place to start but that song brings its own memories and I want to relay those too. He always loved the film, in fact, I know he was obsessed when he was a child and his mother used to take him along to see the film when it was showing at the cinema in town. He knew all the words, would record himself singing Maria’s parts and I know for a fact that he made an outfit that resembled the costume worn by the children when they climbed the trees in the film. We would watch it every Christmas and I knew he dreamt of going to Austria to see all the famous landmarks used in the film. It made me chuckle and I loved watching him as we watched together. I could almost see the little boy shine through the teenage face.  
The beginning was where I intended to start and what a memorable beginning it was. I was rushing to Warbler practice, our glee club most extraordinary, and running down the stairs when I was suddenly stopped by a sweet voice saying ‘excuse me’.   
He had said he was new there but I could tell from his poorly camouflaged jacket that he was an outsider, someone meant to spy out the competition, probably from that glee club from McKinley. I looked up and the dome of the roof above sent light cascading down over him, his clear complexion shone and his blue eyes twinkled. I could only smile and offer my hand, hoping to already see more of this boy, to know his name.   
I sang to him, a song we had rehearsed well and as the other boys from my school gathered round to see our performance and dance along, he seemed to glow and bounce, his expression so happy, I could only smile in return. My friends and I knew he had come to spy so we offered him a coffee, which he kindly accepted and we sat and talked, his face becoming sheepish when he knew he had been caught. I knew my friend’s simple promise of no harassment at our private school was a shock to him, knew he couldn’t believe such a place existed. Dalton always was prestigious but it was so opulent and refined that bullying was simply beneath us. I took refuge in that school, tending my own wounds inflicted from my previous high school and I knew he was having trouble at his current school. I asked my friends if they would excuse us.  
I watched as that single tear slid down his porcelain face and I felt my heart break a little for him. He was being bullied and I could remember my own problems, where teachers would ignore the problem because I was gay. It was almost expected that I would encounter bigotry, I shouldn’t be so surprised. I advised him to confront this bully, be courageous when I ran away, challenge the ignorance and I know now that he did.  
I knew he was special when I met him, knew he would change my life. It seems a silly idea now, looking back that I could meet the love of my life on a stairwell but he was so striking standing above me but so fragile, I only wanted to keep him safe.  
In the next few weeks we became firm friends and I sent him texts of ‘courage’ to show my support. I came to the school to confront his bully when things became unbearable and I stood by him, whenever I could. It was my own way of standing up and making sure I was counted. I had run once, I was now going to do what I could to make sure he was never hurt.  
Looking back at that time, I wish I could start all over again and really appreciate all of him, all his beauty. Even then I took it for granted that he was there, loved spending time with him without realising what it meant. I could tell him anything and I loved being there for him in return. I wish I had known then what I know now.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Blaine is currently 22, Kurt 23 and Adam 26.

In My Life  
A blog celebrating love and acknowledging heartache

When he first joined my school, Dalton Academy, he really looked the part with his satchel and uniform but upon entering his first Warbler rehearsal and being given Pavarotti, our mascot canary, he quipped and laughed and I knew he would lighten up any room. The Warblers can be kind of stuffy but he was like a breath of fresh air and I couldn’t wait to see him more. I knew when he was being bullied that Dalton, with its no harassment policy, would be the best place for him but I didn’t want to hope too much. Seeing him there every day at school, made me feel so much lighter and I was so excited to go to school each day, I would get up early and stay later. All in the hope of seeing more of him.  
I never knew then that I was falling in love with him, I just knew I wanted to spend time with him, knew he was magical. I know that sounds corny, I know that sounds hopelessly romantic but the friend in me knew he needed someone to support him, where he had had none before.   
We spent more and more time together, singing when we could and I loved how his voice was so different from mine, how we complimented each other so well. I knew he struggled at Dalton, knew that he didn’t really fit in. We stifled his creativity too much. A uniform is not for the kind of guy that thrives on creating amazing outfits, he needed to shine.   
Some of his outfits have been amazing over the years. I can think of shocking ones, where my mouth opened in amazement that anyone had the courage to wear such a thing but admiring him nonetheless. Some outfits were positively sinful – I mean he has these red jeans that just cling in all the right places and don’t get me started on those gold pants…  
Those outfits were always a reflection of his mood and who he wanted to be that day. Sometimes he would want to look like a sex kitten but others, especially his jumpers made him look cosy and huggable. I loved that he could represent all his sides just by sharing an outfit and he never cared what people thought. He truly is the most unique and interesting person I know.  
I knew he missed McKinley and his friends but I tried my hardest to make him feel that Dalton could be a place where he was included and welcome – a place where he could be celebrated as part of a team. He sang ‘Don’t Cry For Me Argentina’ as his audition for a solo part at sectionals and displayed all his flair in his performance, raising his hand and looking out the window to mimic Madonna in the film. He truly was magnificent when he sang a number like that and I wanted to let him through but Wes and David felt he needed to understand the concept of being a team player so I had to let him down. Seeing him look so lost at being relegated to a group member made my heart crack a little but I wanted to help him so much.  
I think that’s what made me hesitate in taking things further for so long. I know he had a tough time at his last school, knew he struggled to shine in a place like Dalton that expected uniformity and I wanted to be the best friend and mentor I could be. It was only when I started to see Jeremiah that I realised I needed something more.  
I cringe when I think back to those weeks – I misread the signs so badly. Jeremiah was much older than me and I mistook our coffee chats as dates and thought he might be interested in me. He wasn’t but I still convinced myself that this mature man needed serenading at his workplace – the Gap. He got fired and I made a complete and utter fool of myself. I had clearly made it all up in my head. What’s worse is when I look back at our conversations I know I didn’t even want him in that way. I thought he was so sophisticated and mature; really I just liked the idea of him.  
My guy though revealed later that he had thought I was going to ask him out on Valentine’s Day and as we stood in the Lima Bean, where he had declared his feelings, I realised what a fool I’d been. Here he was, someone who I loved spending time with, who was on my level but so awesome in so many ways and I had thrown myself at another guy who would never be interested. I knew then that I couldn’t be trusted in the romance department and would need to take things slow with him.  
I could always share so much with him – whatever I was worried about and no matter the topic we didn’t hold anything back. When he timidly discussed sex and what he thought about it, when he fought about gay rights or when he criticised bisexuality – it was all brought to the forefront of our friendship and I loved that we could share anything. That was a difficult time for me, I questioned a lot about myself but despite his feelings he helped me through it and was really there. I remember one conversation, after I had kissed a girl twice and discovered I was truly gay, he sat in his bedroom, after we had finished homework, and said how he loved our friendship and how special it was to him. He thanked me and I found tears start in my eyes. I wanted to kiss him then as we sat on the bed and I nearly leaned over and did it but he missed the moment and walked off to get us sodas. When he returned, I realised our friendship was too precious to ruin just yet and what I wanted could wait.

It was nearing Christmas time and Blaine hadn’t seen Kurt since that coffee when he had declined Kurt’s invitation to be his best man. Kurt must have guessed the real reason Blaine didn’t want to be involved and he made plans without him. They sent vague texts, checking that they were both ok and explaining busy-ness but Blaine missed Kurt and although the blog posts were helping, he still felt far away from him.   
Kurt rang him on a wintery Christmas Eve and Blaine was surprised to hear from him.  
“Kurt?” Blaine said, “How are you? It’s been ages.”  
“I’m good thanks, just been really busy with preparations for the wedding and madly auditioning for anything I can get. I have a new part, starting rehearsals next week actually, it’s the second male lead, so much more promising. How have you been?”  
“Not so bad, still trying to get my voice heard but my EP has been selling quite steadily at my gigs so I’ll get there eventually.” It already seemed awkward to Blaine and he hated that his once best friend was slipping away. He knew he needed to make more of an effort. If he couldn’t accept that Adam and Kurt were getting married then he wasn’t worthy of Kurt’s friendship. “How’s Adam?” he asked, “The plans for the wedding are going well?”  
“Yeah, we’ve booked everything now so just final touches. We’ve decided on outfits, cake and flowers and have sent out invitations. You’ll get yours soon,” Kurt whispered the last part, as if he feared the answer.  
“Oh I’ll definitely be there,” Blaine said immediately.  
“I thought you had another wedding?”  
“Oh I do, so I might have to slip away in the evening,” Blaine said, faking a confidence he didn’t feel.   
“Do you know what we missed this week?” Kurt asked after a pause.  
Blaine knew. They had sung together every year since their first time singing Baby it’s Cold Outside but Blaine hadn’t wanted to bring it up. Even last year it had seemed silly to keep the tradition alive now that Kurt was happy with Adam. He should be starting his own traditions but Blaine remembered every time they sang.  
“The Christmas duet,” Blaine said sadly.  
“What are you doing now?” Kurt said excitedly.  
“Nothing, why?”  
“Meet me,” he said, “You know where.” And he hung up leaving Blaine wondering what was happening. He quickly counted that they had had seven Christmases, this being their eighth and so many apart, he wasn’t sure if there were any songs left. They had repeated ‘Let it Snow’ last year as New York looked so beautiful and white but Blaine felt himself get excited at the thought of seeing Kurt again. He had missed his best friend and he could make this right again, he knew he could. Songs always seemed to have that gift.  
When Blaine got to the ice rink it was packed with couples and teenage girls and he scanned the rink in search of Kurt who suddenly appeared next to the barrier, as he skidded along.  
“I think I seem to get worse at this every year,” he chuckled, holding on for dear life, “I’m too old.”  
Blaine laughed as he came closer and indicated that he was going to get his skates on. Kurt followed the same direction but holding onto the outside of the rink.  
“Where’s Adam?” Blaine asked as he sat and put his skates on.  
“He’s out with some friends, his old Adam’s Apples bunch actually. I think they’re carolling somewhere before they go out later for drinks.”  
“That’s nice, why didn’t you want to join him? We could have skipped the tradition this one year Kurt,” he smiled, “I think we’re running out of songs anyway.” Blaine walked closer to the entrance of the rink, Kurt still unsteady on his feet but following him.  
“I would never miss out on this Blaine,” Kurt said, “I realised how important it was when we sang ‘White Christmas’ here before. We have to do this every year otherwise some things get forgotten. It’s kinda sacred to me, like Friday night dinners used to be with my dad when I was home. You don’t mind do you?” Kurt looked wide eyed and worried.   
“Of course I don’t mind Kurt,” Blaine said touching his arm gently, “It’s always the highlight of my Christmas.” And he skated off, leaving Kurt trying to match his speed and failing but they laughed and joked. Blaine tried to show off with fancy moves and spins and when Kurt would go to copy he would end up wobbling and being saved by Blaine. After a while music could be heard from the speaker and Blaine smiled as he recognised a new song – one they had never sung for Christmas before, despite it being a favourite. They twirled and danced around each other as they sang slowly, matching the rhythm of the song and smiling.

Chestnuts roasting on an open fire  
Jack Frost nipping at your nose

Blaine couldn’t help but tap Kurt’s nose before he flew off again and smirked at the mock surprise on Kurt’s face.

Yuletide carols being sung by a choir  
And folks dressed up like Eskimos

Everybody knows a turkey and some mistletoe  
Help to make the season bright  
Tiny tots with their eyes all aglow  
Will find it hard to sleep tonight

They know that Santa's on his way  
He's loaded lots of toys and goodies on his sleigh  
And every mother's child is gonna spy  
To see if reindeer really know how to fly

And so I'm offering this simple phrase  
To kids from one to ninety-two  
Although it's been said many times  
Many ways, Merry Christmas to you

It seemed every year there was a moment and this year was no different. As the song finished one or the other would lean in teasingly slowly, almost there but not quite. This year Kurt was flirty and Blaine was left wondering what it all meant. Was this just a game they did every year? Did Kurt not realise what he meant to him?  
They got hot chocolates as soon as they left the rink and the bells could be heard again, just like that time five years ago, indicating Christmas Day had officially started. Kurt looked to Blaine and smiled, such a contented smile that Blaine knew there was nowhere else he’d rather be and it made him feel like a millionaire. They sat down with their gloved hands warmed around their drinks and watched the skaters in silence.   
After a while Kurt broke the calm and when Blaine turned to look at him he suddenly became engrossed in the top of his hot chocolate.  
“I’ve missed this Blaine,” Kurt said, “Our singing, our friendship – we should meet up more often, I definitely don’t see you enough.” He looked up at him with wide eyes, trying to fathom why that might be so until Blaine spoke.  
“I know Kurt, I’m sorry,” Blaine said, “That’s going to change now, I promise.” He looked so sure and as he held out his pinky to promise solemnly, Kurt smiled. He was just glad Blaine had returned from wherever he had been and he hoped he wouldn’t leave his life anytime soon. 

In My Life  
A blog celebrating love and acknowledging heartache

Christmas – such a time of family and festivities, presents and too much food but to me that word has always meant him. We have sung together so many times but Christmas times are always my favourite memories and I know no matter the status of our relationship, we would always come together again to sing.   
This year I am spending the holidays alone. My parents have decided to take the dream holiday to the Caribbean that they have always wanted and although I was invited to spend the time with Cooper, part of me just wanted to wallow in misery. I’m meeting friends tomorrow but today is for reminiscing and writing and it has helped, even just slightly.  
That first Christmas duet – Baby it’s Cold Outside was just so playful and perfect, I can only smile when I remember how coy and cute he was. We flirted, pouted and played against each other and he played the part so beautifully I was convinced that nothing would crack that exterior and it was all just an act. Luckily by the time the following Christmas came along we were together and it was an awesome Christmas. We sang for a TV show and he played his part so beautifully again. I gave him a ring made of wrappers. I remember that look of utter love and adoration on his face when he heard all my promises and I will never break any of them. I know I haven’t loved him perfectly and I’ve made some terrible mistakes but I will always make sure I fulfil every single promise.   
By the next Christmas we were no longer together. Part of me can’t even write this down but I know I need to. What I did will have to be recorded another time but I at least was back in his life by that Christmas. We sang White Christmas on the same ice rink as this year and I promised that I would always be there for him, no matter what. That is another promise I have to keep.

 

Blaine sent the usual New Year text as soon as midnight struck to all his friends and family but a special personal one for Kurt who replied that ‘they’ would love to have Blaine over for dinner sometime this week if he could make it. Blaine knew he had to make more of an effort, knew he had been distant but the thought of seeing ‘them’ together, happily planning a wedding would be a little too much. When he thought about it Adam wasn’t such a bad guy, any guy would be a bad guy but Blaine had made a promise and it would be a perfect excuse to make sure he kept up another one.  
Blaine arrived at their apartment carrying a plate of cookies and as soon as Kurt’s eyes alighted on them, he beamed.  
“Cookies!” he exclaimed, “Perfect, we don’t have dessert and were hoping you had brought something.”  
Blaine smiled, glad he could help but secretly hoping that Kurt knew the real reason for bringing them. He looked around the apartment and he soon saw Adam in the open plan kitchen heating something at the stove.  
“Hi Blaine, dinner will be ready soon,” he said smiling. Even here with his fiancé’s ex-boyfriend he could still be cheerful and he started to wonder what it would take to wipe the smile away. Blaine sat down at the sofa as Kurt took his cookies into the kitchen and brought Blaine a drink.  
“So how was Christmas?” Kurt asked conversationally.  
“It was ok, thanks,” Blaine said shrugging noncommittally.   
“How was family?”  
“They went away this year so just me.”  
“Just you?” Kurt exclaimed, “Blaine, you spent Christmas alone?” Kurt’s eyes were so wide with concern, Blaine felt a little better that he mattered to Kurt in this way.   
“I wasn’t alone, I spent Christmas Eve with you,” Blaine smiled. That had been the highlight by far.  
“That doesn’t count Blaine,” Kurt said reprimanding him, “You should have said, we just ended up eating too much turkey and eating it for days afterwards. You could have come round.”  
“I saw friends in the days after and New Years was good. Don’t worry about me Kurt, I was fine.”   
Kurt didn’t want to mention it anymore, conscious that Blaine wanted his independence and would hate that Kurt had worried.   
“Do you want to see the outfits I designed for our wedding day?” Kurt said, suddenly excited at the prospect of showing someone else. Blaine heard ‘our wedding day’ and instantly wondered what it would be like to plan their wedding, just like they had planned in high school. He acted the part as Kurt showed all his sketches and the fabric he had samples of. Kurt was so happy and although it wasn’t what Blaine hoped for, he couldn’t help but feel his stomach go fuzzy that Kurt was indeed happy and living his life to the full.   
Dinner was soon ready and conversation shared. They caught up on each other’s news and gossip, the new production Kurt was involved in and the many gigs Blaine had managed to secure. Adam was happy taking more of a back seat on Broadway, now starting to find more roles as stage director or assistant and enjoying it just as much as he had loved performing. Blaine admired how his dreams had changed and he had rolled with it all. Blaine knew Kurt loved flair but actually craved stability and comfort more frequently.   
It was as they ate Blaine’s cookies that Adam suddenly asked the question that Kurt hadn’t thought about in quite a while.  
“Why cookies Blaine? I didn’t see you as the baking kind; I thought you would have bought dessert.”  
Blaine suddenly looked to Kurt, searching his face for some understanding and Blaine had the privilege of watching it unfold over Kurt’s face. It was obviously the first time that Kurt had remembered the promise, the first time he had thought back to those days in quite a while and Blaine didn’t know how to broach a subject that was so personal to them in front of Kurt’s fiancé.  
“Oh it was a promise I made to Kurt, years ago now, and I never want to break it,” Blaine said, avoiding both Adam and Kurt’s gaze and started munching on another cookie that had found itself on his plate. He tried to sound nonchalant but Adam knew the importance of the gesture, could see how much it still meant to Kurt and he couldn’t look anymore. He busied himself with cleaning the dinner plates and Kurt found himself leaning on his hand as he finished his cookie, leaning closer to Blaine. He couldn’t believe Blaine had remembered after all these years and images of all the cookies Blaine had brought over during the five years they had been apart, whizzed through Kurt’s mind. He had just thought Blaine liked baking cookies and the knowledge that Blaine had never broken any of his promises to him, that special Christmas, made Kurt want to cry. He whispered thank you so quietly that only Blaine could hear, and Blaine felt the hairs on his neck stand up at the proximity and the sadness that so much was lost between them. Then Kurt blinked, sat back slightly and the moment was gone. Kurt, realising that Adam had started to pack away dinner, stood to help, re-establishing his place next to Adam and Blaine was left there, sitting at the table with a few cookies in front of him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs quoted:   
> ‘The Christmas Song’ by Nat King Cole


	4. Chapter 4

In My Life  
A blog celebrating love and acknowledging heartache

I love performing - I know I can be a bit insufferable when I perform and I perhaps don’t choose the best moments but one of the reasons I suddenly noticed the shift in him was when I performed Misery by Maroon 5 in preparation for our regionals. He joined in, his performance effortless and no one would notice anything different but I did. He looked like he’d seen all this before, looked like he knew the outcome and as he explained afterwards how he felt like one of Gladys Knight’s pips, I realised I had never seen this in him before. He admitted his jealousy but as I stood there watching his retreating figure, I realised he was right – I had gone on as the lead soloist for too long. I had felt I was doing my duty following our esteemed council but really I loved the praise and the power. He made me see how much I was shining and blocking everyone else, just like the cause of a shadow.   
We were arguing about something or other in the council room when it happened. He came in, banging the door open and wearing the most amazing black outfit with chain detail and a fierce brooch. I could tell instantly something was wrong, his face a mess of streaky tears and his body rigid with pain. As he told of Pavarotti the canary’s death , how he had felt like he had lost a friend, my heart went out to him and I knew he was remembering the last time he had to deal with death – his mother, then his dad in a coma after a heart attack. I felt helpless, like nothing I could do would help so I sat back and watched him sing for Pavarotti.   
He sang Blackbird and the Warblers soon joined in the background, showing our support in the only way we knew how. It was as he started to walk around the table, I realised he wasn’t showing off his talent, wasn’t demanding attention, he merely wanted to sing for his friend and I could see his blue eyes swim with tears, see the sadness so obvious on his face and I knew. I knew he was the love of my life.  
Perhaps this needs more of an explanation but I can’t describe it any better than that. I just knew I had been looking for him forever, just knew he had been there all along and I had been blinded by friendship, led to believe that we were so good together, so close that anything else would ruin it. I watched him stand there and sing, share with the world his feelings and knew that I would love him forever.   
As we decided what to do for regionals I knew the best chance I had to spend more time with him, to sing with him and possibly share my own feelings with him, was to suggest he sing with me. The look on his face as I insisted on a vote, the shy smile he gave, the utter disbelief that he would be singing for a competition, was amazing to watch and so beautiful. The happiness I felt in giving that to him was the best feeling and I knew I would do anything to keep that smile on his face.   
As I approached him in one of the common rooms where he was creating some kind of coffin for Pavarotti, he looked up and smiled and I almost lost my resolve. I couldn’t do what I had prepared, couldn’t sing with him after all but as I discussed our song choice, and he praised me for choosing a song that wasn’t in the top 40, I sat and took a deep breath. I thought maybe I could just sing with him, reminded myself that he was my best friend, nothing could change that but he looked at me so innocently as he asked why I had chosen to sing with him.  
How could I answer that question? I had rehearsed things to say the night before, had whole speeches prepared but actually what came out was the truth. As he watched me with wide blue eyes, so beautiful and deep, I told him how I had been looking for him forever, how he moved me and suddenly I found myself leaning forward, wanting so much to simply press my lips against his and show him how much he meant to me. He gently gasped as his mind caught up with his body and his hand found my cheek. It was heaven and although it wasn’t my first kiss, it was my first kiss that really counted.   
We couldn’t concentrate on rehearsal after that, our lips constantly finding their way back to each other and I didn’t care that we didn’t win regionals. For once in my life I felt complete and he was there, right where he belonged.  
I have written for so long, been so lost in my past life that I have only just noticed the sun has set and only the lights of my computer glow in the room now. I feel strangely detached from my real life and as this blog post comes to an end I realise I just want to go back there, stay there, never come back to reality – cold and hard and so lonely.   
For there was love, wholeness and perfect, perfect bliss and now there is nothing. 

xXx

To: Blaine [13:02]  
Blaine! I miss you! Can I come to see you sing tonight?!

Blaine saw the message before he saw who it was from, as it popped up on his phone screen and for a moment a whisper of hope crossed his mind thinking it was Kurt but it was one of his oldest friends, in fact the first friend he had made in his freshman year of college: Beth.  
They had fallen into a fit of giggles as their lecturer had come in late one morning, carrying his briefcase and opening it to reveal a pineapple. Other students had looked on thinking he had gone bonkers but Blaine merely turned to the first person he laid eyes on and their mutual love of the strange and quirky made them firm friends. A conversation started as they discussed what unique fruit might come out of his briefcase next time they had him for a seminar on acting and when he might start to use these props and they decided to get a coffee.   
Beth had been a god-send really, Blaine soon realising that he had no one in New York except Kurt, who was then starting his second year and very much together with Adam. Blaine had realised that again he had relied too much on Kurt’s friendship and didn’t want to sink again into depression. If he was to make a success of his life here in New York he would need to make friends. He knew from experience with Tina that he needed to make it very clear from the start with Beth that he was indeed gay but without assuming she was interested in more than friendship. He mentioned Kurt into the conversation quite early on during their first coffee date and Beth laughed.   
“Aww shucks,” she said, moving her arm in an exaggerated sideways pose as if she was a cowgirl, “All the cute ones are always gay.” She laughed again and Blaine couldn’t help but laugh too, it was infectious.   
He spent a lot of time with Beth, giggling and commenting on other students in acting class and she helped Blaine not take himself too seriously. She seemed to always be positive and Blaine envied her carefree attitude to life but also knew she worked hard to keep it that way. She had been knocked a few times, her mother an alcoholic and her dad leaving her family when she was young, she had had to fight for her place at NYADA as she was brought up by her grandparents. She knew life was fragile but also never wanted to waste an opportunity and knew that nothing would be handed to her. Seeing her mum sink lower had made her aware of how easy it is to slip under and not be cared for and she was determined for everyone in her life to know how loved and appreciated they were. Blaine knew he was lucky to have her as a friend.   
Blaine hadn’t seen Kurt for a while now, his texts less frequent and when he did message it was to apologise for being unavailable due to work pressures or continued planning for his wedding. Blaine didn’t want to push him, he knew that Kurt would need him in his life one day but perhaps needed more space at the moment. Blaine’s disappointment that the message wasn’t from Kurt didn’t last long as he realised he’d get to see Beth tonight and he replied with the details of his gig and how he was looking forward to seeing her again.  
Blaine had been getting more successful as his contacts grew in number. There were often last minute calls for Blaine to fill in a spot at a bar or club where someone had bailed and Blaine was eager to impress and always prepared. He loved performing, loved singing to anyone that would listen, so to be paid for this privilege was always going to feel amazing. He was a good people pleaser, always knew the current songs or trends and enjoyed mixing it up with covers of old classics or versions sung in completely new ways. Tonight’s crowd was no exception as he tinkled on the piano in the corner of the bar and sang.  
But after a while, people spent less time looking at him singing and more time drinking and talking with their friends and Blaine realised he had the piano and the music all to himself. He started playing a song that had been around in his head for days and he knew that the only way he would be rid of its presence was to sing it now, release it into the wild.

If I walk down this hallway tonight it's too quiet  
So I pad through the dark and call you on the phone  
Push your old numbers and let your house ring  
'Til I wake your ghost

He always felt a little haunted by Kurt, always reaching out but never quite there, never quite good enough. 

Let him walk down your hallway  
It's not this quiet  
Slide down your receiver, sprint across the wire  
Follow my number and slide into my hand

It's the blaze across your nightgown  
It's the phone's ring

I think last night; you were driving circles around me

I can't drink this coffee 'til I put you in my closet  
Let him shoot me down and let him call me off  
Take it from his whisper; you're not that tough

It's the blaze across your nightgown  
It's the phone's ring

I think last night; you were driving circles around me

Kurt seemed to waft around him whenever he smelt his cologne on someone else, heard a song that they used to sing together or when he thought he saw the back of his head along the busy streets of New York.   
He didn’t notice the room had gone quieter, the busy bustle of chatting people at the bar had stopped and he looked up as the song finished to see the wide eyes of Beth watching him from near the back of the bar. People had stopped to stare as he finished, wondering what was going on inside his mind, the melancholy sound almost putting them off their fun-spirited drinks and Beth had never heard Blaine use his lower register in such a deep way before. Blaine soon excused himself for a drink, saying he’ll be back on after a break.  
Wandering over to meet him halfway, Beth indicated getting him a drink as she led him to the bar. As they stood there, Beth leant on the bar and Blaine mimicked her pose, resting the side of his arm alongside hers.  
“So that was deep,” Beth began as she looked at Blaine sideways, “You ok?”  
“Yeah,” Blaine said shrugging, “I’m fine, it was just a song that kept going round my head, I thought I’d better sing it.”  
“Oh Blaine,” she said, looking right at him, her eyes wide with concern, really searching his face and making him feel transparent and exposed. He didn’t know what to say, he never could hide anything from Beth.  
They wandered over to the side of the bar with their drinks, propped themselves on the side rail and Blaine sighed.   
“So what’s been going on then? I haven’t seen you in a few weeks and now you seem as low as when you first heard Kurt was getting engaged.”  
Blaine didn’t quite know what it was, why he kept going round in circles but here he was again and he never really shook himself of the feeling that life was just going to like this. Maybe he’d take pleasure in a few things in life, make dreams his goal but life would always come down to Kurt. He found the nearest stool and sat defeated until Beth found another stool and sat beside him.   
“Again?” she asked, unbelieving and worried, “Why do you keep doing this to yourself Blaine? Have you seen him recently?”  
“Not since that dinner after Christmas, he’s sent texts but we’ve both been busy and…”  
“Well weddings can be quite stressful and I know he’s got a new part now so will you see him on Broadway when it opens?”  
“Of course!” Blaine exclaimed as if she was stupid.  
“And the wedding?” she asked more timidly already aware it was a touchy subject.  
“I don’t know…”  
“Blaine, you should go,” she said as he looked at her dubiously, “He’s your best friend right? That’s what best friends do.”  
“But not ex-boyfriends Beth and I can’t see him up there saying those vows, walking down the aisle, telling Adam how much he loves him? It’ll break my heart.”  
Beth didn’t have the words, knew it was shitty and in the end all she could do was stroke his arm as if she could remove all the heartache all by herself.   
“I’ve been writing a blog…” Blaine started, unsure how it would sound out loud.  
“A blog?”  
“Yeah to explain how I feel, tell stories I shared with Kurt, just reminiscing and explaining really but it helps.” Blaine wanted to make it less of a deal, already wanted to shrink away but Beth fought for him and he could see himself being pulled back.  
“That’s great Blaine but it doesn’t compensate for real conversation, real people. You need to make sure you see your friends, meet new people, maybe go out on a few dates? I mean it’s been over five years…” It had always been a touchy subject and Blaine thought to the many excuses he had made over the years. Had it really been that long?  
“Ok,” he said simply and Beth opened her eyes wide, causing her lashes to fan around her eyes beautifully.  
“Ok? You never say ok, I’ve suggested it loads of times.”  
“I know but five years is a long time and Kurt has clearly got over me and I need to make a decision, make a life. I know no one will ever be my Kurt but the odds are I’ll find my close second somewhere.”  
“Close second?” Beth laughed, “You make it sound so romantic, don’t let them know that.”  
“Of course,” Blaine laughed too but maybe this was going to be his year and things would start to look better as winter turned to spring.

xXx

And Blaine did date, in fact by the time he received an invitation for Kurt’s opening performance of his new production, Blaine had already organised his ‘plus one’ and felt better about moving on. It was never through lack of opportunity but he found himself working hard, waiting for Kurt, being a friend. It was only as night turned to day that he really missed having someone close, someone to love and love him in return. He would look in the mirror, now eyes surrounded by purpling bags and wonder what anyone would find attractive in him, a mere hollow of a man but it was almost like his body craved that intimacy again, not because he was horny but just that weight of someone else, just that touch, that look – love was what he missed and the knowledge that he may never have that again, hurt afresh.   
Will was nice enough, picked Blaine up like a true gentleman and talked animatedly about the show they were seeing tonight. He knew that the second lead was Blaine’s friend, was asking about all the Broadway gossip which Blaine knew nothing about and seemed a genuinely nice guy as they ate an early dinner before the show.  
Blaine looked over him as he opened the door for him, realised Will was just the guy he needed, optimistic and eager, happy and positive and Blaine wanted to drink him in, see how far this could go but he knew he didn’t quite fit, like a tight jumper that you so desperately want to try on and wear.   
Blaine barely registered Will next to him as he watched Kurt’s performance. He took his breath away in all the right places and Blaine looked around at the audience, noticing their similar reactions. He had known he was in the presence of a star all along but perhaps everyone else would find out now too.  
Kurt seemed to come alive on stage, like he was born to perform and Blaine knew he had worked hard with this part, some of the acting not coming as naturally as other parts. He knew Kurt would rehearse until his feet were tired and his bones ached but he was so proud to see his best friend up there, he almost forgot Adam and as he rushed backstage with his bouquet of flowers to congratulate the new star, he nearly bumped into Adam who was working on the scenery.  
“Blaine!” Adam said nicely, shaking his hand, “Glad you could come, what did you think?”  
“You were the stage director?”  
“Assistant stage director, but I meant Kurt, he was amazing right?”  
“Of course,” Blaine gushed and someone left Kurt’s side to reveal the star himself sitting in his dressing room chair, his table surrounded with flowers. Blaine timidly handed his small bunch of blue irises to Kurt who beamed.  
“You came,” he whispered and Blaine thought he could see his eyes twinkle.  
“I wouldn’t miss it for the world,” he said and he kissed him on the cheek as a way of congratulating him. Kurt blinked then the people around him started to appear in his eye line again and he smiled at the new guy he saw hovering by the door. He raised an eyebrow to Blaine who suddenly remembered his date.  
“Oh Kurt, yeah, this is Will,” he said as Will stepped forward and Kurt extended his hand which Will took eagerly.  
“Such an honour – you were fantastic,” he gushed and Kurt smiled at Blaine, already joking with his eyes that Blaine should keep this one. They decided they should meet up before the wedding and as Blaine and Will left, Kurt realised that Blaine hadn’t dated in a very long time. Perhaps he was only now free, after all his time at college and with his music but Kurt couldn’t explain that uneasy feeling in his stomach as he watched Blaine’s retreating back in his dark and fitted suit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song quoted:  
> ‘Your Ghost’ covered by Greg Laswell.


	5. Chapter 5

Kurt’s stint on Broadway continues to go well and Blaine reads the reviews avidly, texting Kurt when he reads a particularly worthy entry and reminding him of how amazing he is. No actual plans are made to meet before the wedding but Blaine knows Kurt must be crazy busy with his show and the final touches to his wedding plans, so it is only on the day of the wedding, as Kurt walks up the aisle that he sees his best friend again.   
Will, by this time, is no longer on the scene, and Blaine’s ‘plus one’ is the only person he would consider taking along to such an event – Beth. She is there by his side, not saying half the things that flit through her mind when Blaine hugs Burt when he arrives at the hall or when he shakes Adam’s hand to ease his nerves. Beth understands without saying and Blaine is thankful.  
Burt looks apprehensive but hugely proud as he awaits Kurt’s entrance and Blaine feels nervous for Adam who is stood there waiting patiently. He has the biggest grin on his face, no idea what is going through Blaine’s mind as he waits for the love of his life to walk towards another man.  
Such a collection of images and memories flow through Blaine’s mind completely unbidden and unhelpful as he waits. He sees Kurt descend the stairs at Dalton for the first time, his smile light and eyes twinkling. He remembers Kurt’s whispered discussion about their future – the times they were to have together – children, the lighthouse and artist colony, his sexy smile that is only reserved for Blaine when Kurt knows he’s being cheeky and flirty. Blaine looks at Adam, nervous but almost bubbling with joy at the thought of what is going to happen today and he realises that Adam may get Kurt today, may have the chance to take Kurt’s name and his life but Blaine has these memories, has the images and no one can take those away. Suddenly the music starts and Blaine is extremely grateful that it isn’t Come What May – the song both Blaine and Kurt loved and hoped to sing to each other on their wedding day one day. A small group of Kurt’s friends are singing ‘Can’t Help Falling in Love’ as Kurt walks down the aisle that has been fashioned in the hall they now stand in and Blaine feels his breath hitch at the sight of him.  
Kurt practically glows with happiness and the light that surrounds him from the magnificent window behind him gives him such an ethereal quality, Blaine forgets to breathe. He looks so happy as he continues to walk towards Adam, his eyes on him and him alone, that Blaine knows despite the pain, despite his heart breaking in his chest, he knows that Kurt is finally content, finally happy and if there is only enough happiness in the world for Kurt or Blaine, he is glad that Kurt can have the greater share. He finds tears spring to his eyes and so wishes that he has the chance sometime today to tell Kurt how beautiful he is, how he wishes only the best for him now. Beth seems to realise the internal struggle that is going on inside Blaine and as she continues to stare at Kurt as he gets closer to Adam, she squeezes Blaine’s arm as her fingers link with his.   
Kurt arrives at the head of the hall and turns to face his dad and he beams and just for a second his eyes grace Blaine’s and his smile falters slightly. Blaine smiles, tries to intimate how happy he is for Kurt, how he only wishes him the best but Kurt’s eyes fill with tears and he turns to face Adam and they link hands as the ceremony starts. The registrar explains the importance of marriage, of celebrating love between two people and Blaine is left wondering whether this will ever happen to him. As Kurt and Adam say their vows and exchange their rings, Blaine knows he will never feel as complete as he does with Kurt, will never know a love like that again and as they kiss, he realises the fact that he had that once, that he knows how it feels to kiss those lips, to touch his skin. He is one of the lucky ones – he knew love’s perfection and can still remember how it felt to be cherished in return. That is more than some receive in a lifetime. He will have to be satisfied with that.   
The ceremony continues and they are soon ushering the two grooms outside for photos and confetti. Kurt beams and Adam seems to be fiercely holding Kurt’s hand as they leave together, perhaps under the impression that he might not belong to him, that he might vanish. The guests gather together soon afterwards for drinks and nibbles, awaiting the meal and the speeches.   
Blaine feels rushed along the line of people, as Adam and Kurt await their guests and shake hands and hug those people they love. As Kurt sees Blaine face-to-face and takes his hand, Blaine smiles and whispers congratulations, the only thing his voice allows him to say. Kurt seems to understand and his eyes cloud with sadness and he hugs him warmly, far too tightly for someone who just married someone else but as they part Kurt assures Blaine he will speak to him later.  
The meal is delicious and has clearly been planned meticulously to include all tastes. The decorations reflect Kurt’s love of flair and beauty but are tasteful and muted. Burt speaks formally to the gathering and only once looks at Blaine, as if he wished for something to be different. Only Blaine seems to notice as he carries on talking about his son’s achievements and how proud he is of Kurt and his life with Adam. Blaine wonders if his speech would have been any different if it was Blaine sitting there.   
He looks around the room, familiar faces of glee club members smiling warmly in Burt’s direction, Kurt’s college friends, Adam’s family amidst Kurt’s extended family and a group of Broadway actors in one corner – such a gathering of wonderfully amazing people, all here to celebrate this love. Blaine knows it should be his family and friends here too, knows that something is missing from this occasion and only feels bile rise in his throat as the jealously threatens to overwhelm him. Beth simply places her hand on his knee and smiles, knowing how he feels and instantly calming him.  
The dancing is soon started, the romantic first dance completely missed by Blaine, who stands on the balcony watching the world carry on beneath him. Hours seem to pass as he stands there, nothing really missed and the curtain behind him protecting him from view. After a while, a tentative hand moves the red curtain aside and Blaine is joined by someone who should be enjoying the attention and preparing to cut his cake.  
“Kurt,” Blaine whispers as he feels his presence next to him, warm from dancing.  
“I missed you; I knew you’d be hiding.” Kurt smiles next to him, leans into him, resting his arm on Blaine’s. Blaine tries to return the smile but it doesn’t reach his eyes and Kurt knows.   
“I’m glad you came Blaine,” Kurt continues, looking down at the people walking the streets of New York below them, “I thought you might have left for your friend’s wedding.”  
“I didn’t want to miss this Kurt,” he says not missing a beat, “My friend will understand.”  
Kurt only nods, knowing full well there never was a friend’s wedding but hoping that Blaine would have been his best man regardless.  
“I never did fill the best man spot you know,” Kurt says, looking at him with such warm eyes that Blaine wants to cry at his sincerity. Blaine can only nod in appreciation.   
“I’m surprised you didn’t sing ‘Come What May’ – you always wanted that as your wedding song,” Blaine says, smiling to indicate there are no hard feelings. Kurt seems almost hurt at the idea and turns his face.  
“I could never do that Blaine,” he says, giving no explanation and Blaine presses no further.  
After a while he says what he came to say and hopes Kurt will understand the full meaning.  
“You look beautiful today Kurt and so happy, I’m glad you’ve found your soul mate, I’m glad you have this.”  
Kurt looks at him carefully and Blaine holds the stare, knowing that Kurt is searching for something but he doesn’t find it. Only sincerity is evident in Blaine’s eyes. Kurt smiles when he realises and wants to say something like he hopes Blaine will have this too, that he’ll know love but maybe it’s patronising and too much and so Kurt only smiles.

xXx

Blaine leaves soon after and although he only drinks one glass of champagne at the wedding, he instantly opens a bottle of red wine when he enters his apartment and starts his computer. Knowing that sleep is hours away and some things just need to be written now, he starts his blog again and is silently thankful that Beth understood enough to leave him be. She looked sadly at him as she kissed him on the cheek goodbye and promised to meet him for coffee in a few days. Blaine knew she was the best of friends and in the ever changing world around him, he needed at least one of those.  
Blaine carries on writing all night, only stopping to make coffee and gather a blanket around his shoulders when he gets cold. The night gets ever darker until it suddenly starts to dawn, a grey blue cloud looming ever higher as the sun rises. Blaine crawls into bed as some people start to get dressed for work and he lets himself cry, tucked under the covers where no one can see him and no one can help him.

xXx

Kurt and Adam don’t manage to take a honeymoon after the wedding due to the crazy schedule they have for work but they agree to take a vacation at the end of the run. They are merely allowed one weekend to celebrate their wedding and they make the most of the break with trips to cafes for brunch and lazy days around the apartment dressed only in their underwear. They watch movies, curl into each other and make love until they are sated and they start all over again with food and movies. Come Monday morning, Kurt finds himself logging onto Facebook to check any photos his friends may have put online of their wedding and to check messages. His inbox is flooded with congratulations and Kurt replies and sets his status as married. He smiles at the photos people have taken when his eyes alight on a blog post someone has shared on their wall.  
This acquaintance from college had merely shared the post with a simple comment: ‘This is heartbreaking to read – don’t know who he is but this is soooo sad. Warnings for tears ’  
Kurt doesn’t know what compels him to read the blog post, merely titled ‘In My Life’ but he reads anyway, despite the warning. 

In My Life  
A blog celebrating love and acknowledging heartache

I suppose today is the worst of all days – the day I saw the love of my life walk towards the man he will spend the rest of his life with, the man he has chosen to marry. I always believed we would find our way back to each other, that we had some kind of invisible cord that tied us together, impossible to break, impossible to ignore but that appears to be a foolish idea of mine. I know he is unattainable now, there is no hope and I watched as he disappeared away from me, getting closer and closer to the man that was now the luckiest guy on earth.   
I feel strangely empty now, like everything is over and no amount of wine or chocolate will help ease the pain, though I’m sure to try. It is done, there is no going back, there is no stopping the wedding, it is complete. I did have a crazy idea this morning, as I got dressed in my suit and bow tie, what if I interrupted the proceedings, what if I said no – he couldn’t marry him because I love him, because we belong together. I could imagine his pitying face, how he would take me gently aside to let me down, to explain that he was no longer mine and that perhaps it would be best if we didn’t see each other again. I couldn’t do it, I couldn’t face the possibility of not having him in my life, so I let him make the worst decision of his life, I let him slip away.  
I know he is happy, I know he feels complete and it was the perfect day. I know that life carries on, I know my dreams in other areas of my life can and will come true but it was always comforting to know that there was a possibility of our ending together, just like we began and I could always hope. Now there is nothing. No hope, no love, only misery and heartache and I am here while he is there. 

Kurt doesn’t want to read anymore, tears welling in his eyes for this stranger, for this man that had to watch the love of his life get married to someone else. The idea that someone is sad over a wedding when he just celebrated his love with Adam seems so alien to Kurt that he decides to log off facebook and go back to Adam, go back to his warm arms. It is only when he is tucked around Adam, resting on his chest, watching daytime television before he has to return to work later, that he remembers the man on the blog and silently wishes for him to find his true love again, somehow, somewhere. 

xXx

In My Life  
A blog celebrating love and acknowledging heartache

I know I broke him that day, I know that I caused the heartache. I felt him slipping away when I had thought we were so solid and together. I was lonely and I knew that he was living the life he always wanted, busy and in demand. I had moved schools for him, shown him I loved him in so many ways and ironically I had pushed him to follow his dreams, go to New York, live the life he was born to live. I knew he was stifled in our home town, knew he was just waiting and it killed me to see him stuck and not living his real life. I pushed him to go, wanted him to live his life and I foolishly believed in all the promises we had made each other of long distance and communication.   
I struggled. It wasn’t the place I truly belonged, not without him. I felt like I was always waiting for his return, for his call or his face to appear on my laptop. I lived for his messages and calls, only wanted to relay information about my day, hear about his life in New York. Without him I truly was nothing and I had been with him for so long, I didn’t know how to be on my own.  
I know I didn’t cope well. I was barely breathing, just a shell of what I wanted to be and I stupidly began to convince myself he didn’t care, that he was having fun without me. I remember thinking that the moment someone friended me on facebook, someone that I only vaguely knew through another friend, that I was liked for me, not because I was with him. I thought perhaps I could make other friends, feel less lonely but as I met Eli that evening, I knew I was slipping away. I didn’t want to be alone, didn’t want to feel the ache anymore. I needed to be needed. I had convinced myself that maybe he wasn’t my all, that we weren’t meant to be but as soon as I did it, as soon as it happened I realised. He was my everything and I had blown it.  
I knew I had to see him, I couldn’t let him slip away from me but as I sang Teenage Dream at Callbacks the piano bar and watched his face fall, I realised he would ask, I knew he would wonder why I was so sad. We walked alongside the park and there were awkward moments where there had been none before. He asked his questions, wondered at my emotional song, clearly worried about me and I had to say it, felt it rise in my chest and come out and I couldn’t take it back. 

“I was with someone.”

His instant sadness, his eyes filling with tears, I knew I had crushed him, knew I had broken his heart and as he walked away, covering his mouth to stifle his sobs, I realised I would lose everything, his friendship, his beauty, his love and it would mean the end. I had made the biggest mistake of my life.  
It is only as I look at the photograph I took of him as he walked down the aisle where I managed to capture both his beauty and his love, I realise he truly is lost to me.

“And I look high and low for yesterday  
High and low for you and I  
High and low”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song quoted:  
> ‘High and Low’ by Greg Laswell


	6. Chapter 6

Blaine sees Kurt less than he did before, they rarely have dinners like they used to, just Kurt, Adam and Blaine but Blaine is often invited when Rachel sets up reunion dinners and insists on karaoke nights at bars across town. Blaine feels comforted by the crowd of friends and he can chat and laugh with his fellow glee clubbers without feeling the need to constantly talk to Adam and Kurt who seem happy to stay together. Kurt and Adam touch and laugh as if they were joined constantly and it pains Blaine to spend a lot of time with them together. He has got used to the sight, has resigned himself to finding love in different ways. He still sees his friends, Beth now a constant light in his darkening world and he loves to sing, finding it opening a world of friends and opportunities. He plays in more and more places, becoming a regular on many guest lists and it is always an opportunity to sell his EP, sales of which are going well. He is yet to be signed to a recording company but he loves what he gets the chance to do and he starts to write his own songs, which he finds more therapeutic than he thought possible.   
One such karaoke night organised by Rachel, Blaine gets up to sing and everyone is dancing madly, Adam and Kurt linked together, arms over shoulders and chests touching, and Blaine just sings, always a way to centre himself again. No one seems to notice what he sings until the beat gets slower and the version they are used to is acoustic now instead of a dance number. 

It's a big black sky over my town  
I know where you at, I bet he's around  
Yeah, I know it's stupid, I just gotta see it for myself

I'm in the corner, watching you kiss him, oh  
I'm right over here, why can't you see me? Oh  
I'm giving it my all, but I'm not the guy you're taking home, ooh  
I keep dancing on my own

I'm just gonna dance all night  
I'm all messed up, I'm so outta line  
Stilettos on broken bottles  
I'm spinning around in circles

The dance turns slow and sensual, Adam and Kurt still linked but Blaine notices Kurt suddenly looks at him as his eyes are locked on the couple. Kurt can be seen over Adam’s shoulder and he stays in that position to watch Blaine sing, seemingly mesmerised by his beauty and how he shines despite the sad song. Kurt notices Blaine’s clarity and his sadness, knows that he means what he sings and knows that Blaine is lonely but he never links the song with his own situation. He is only left with a sense that he can never say what is on his mind, can never voice his worry to Blaine. He knows his heartache but never understands its cause.

So far away but still so near   
The lights go on, the music dies  
But you don't see me standing here   
I just came to say goodbye

As the song finishes Blaine smiles at Kurt and leaves the little stage, preparing to give his microphone to the next karaoke queen.  
Blaine and Kurt see each other so infrequently now that it is with surprise that Blaine receives a message one afternoon, asking if Kurt could see him tonight. After Blaine replies that he is singing at a bar later, Kurt asks if he could come too, maybe have a chance to chat afterwards. Blaine is instantly nervous at the thought, knowing he hasn’t seen Kurt on his own since his wedding and already sensing that something is wrong and that he needs someone to talk to.   
Blaine sits at the piano later that evening, still awaiting Kurt’s entrance and singing one of his favourite songs to the people gathered there.

Holding on tightly, just can't let it go  
Just trying to play my role, slowly disappear, oh  
But all these days, they feel like they're the same  
Just different faces, different names, get me out of here  
But I can't stand by your side, oh no  
And watch this life pass me by, pass me by

So what if it hurts me?  
So what if I break down?  
So what if this world just throws me off the edge  
My feet run out of ground?

I gotta find my place, I wanna hear my sound  
Don't care about all the pain in front of me'  
Cause I'm just trying to be happy, oh, happy, oh

So any turns that I can't see  
Like I'm a stranger on this road  
But don't say victim, don't say anything

Kurt has come into the bar amidst the piano playing and the heartfelt song and he watches Blaine without him realising he is being watched. He looks so complete there that Kurt just knows this is what he was meant to do and Kurt is happy Blaine has at least that. He has never told Blaine how he worries for him, that he works too hard and doesn’t know how to play, he never tells Blaine that he wants his freedom or that he misses his friendship. He’s been watching for so long that he is surprised when Blaine suddenly looks at him, his brown eyes warm in the glow of the bar and he smiles, as if he was just waiting for Kurt to arrive for the party to get started. Kurt misses that warmth, misses that friendly love. As Blaine finishes the song he was playing, he excuses himself from the piano saying he’s going to have a quick break and he hugs Kurt warmly in greeting as he approaches his table. As he parts from Kurt, he sees the resolve breaking on his face and he gestures for him to sit down as someone sets two new drinks on their table – another perk of working at regular bars. He waits patiently for Kurt to speak, but he seems unable to break the spell of the place they find themselves so they sit in silence for a while. Kurt looks around at the group of people gathered at the bar and makes a comment about Blaine finding his talent and his place and smiling in envy. Blaine doesn’t know what’s happened but he can’t bear the thought that Kurt doesn’t realise his own magic when he sings on stage.  
“Kurt what’s wrong?” He gently touches his hand which instantly causes tears to appear in Kurt’s eyes at the nicest gesture he has received in quite a while.  
“I don’t really know where to start Blaine,” he says quietly, “Do you sometimes find it all just slipping away and you desperately try to catch it but it slides out of your grip?”  
“What does?” Blaine asks, confused.  
“Life, love, what you thought it would be…”  
Blaine doesn’t understand but he’s never seen Kurt so low and doesn’t know how to handle it.  
“Tell me what’s wrong Kurt.”  
“I had an argument with Adam,” he says simply and Blaine experiences what feels like lead stones sink in his stomach. The day he has wished for has finally arrived he starts to think, then he instantly berates himself. The look on Kurt’s face is enough to show him he is devastated at this argument, that he hates this situation and Blaine never wants Kurt to feel like that. He indicates for Kurt to continue, to explain.  
“It’s been hard for a while. I’ve started a new run of a show off Broadway and Adam had work as an assistant stage director but the show stopped after a while and he never found work afterwards. He’s been looking and doing what he can but he hates it. I know he hates watching me perform when I can get him a free ticket, know he hates that I can make my living this way and he shouted at me today when I suggested it. He never wanted to be jealous but he is and doesn’t admit it. He hates that I earn more than him and that he sits around all day looking but never finding. We argue over stupid things, like the washing and the cleaning and I get so tired from work that I probably expect too much from him. I just never thought married life was this hard.” Kurt has finished his rambling and Blaine pauses before he speaks. He could say that maybe he should consider his life without Adam, give up on what was supposed to be wedded bliss, take him instead but he knows that is wrong and he says what he should say, what he knows is right.  
“You fight for what you love though Kurt,” Blaine says, removing his hand from Kurt’s, his posture reflecting his sensible and correct advice. “If you love someone you do anything for them. Adam obviously wants what you have, thought it would be easier for him than it is. It must be hard for him to watch you be successful when he knows that he can’t help with the home you two have created together.”  
Kurt never wanted Blaine to side with Adam but as soon as he speaks he knows Blaine is right and instantly regrets running away and leaving Adam in their apartment alone. They would normally speak about things that were bothering them and would never let things get to this level. He sees Blaine, kindly sitting there, giving his advice and wonders what he did to deserve such a good friend.  
“I never thought you’d be one to give me relationship advice,” Kurt chuckles and Blaine is hurt.  
“You can come to me with anything Kurt, always.”  
“I know Blaine, thanks.”  
There is an awkward silence as they look around the bar and Kurt can’t not say it anymore, it’s always on the tip of his tongue, always at the back of his mind when he sees Blaine.  
“Why aren’t you in a relationship Blaine? I never did get why you’re still available, surely people must be lining up.” He laughs but he is sincere. Blaine shrugs, never knows what to say when his mum asks the same question, when friends try to set him up.  
“I guess I never find the right guy. I look, I date but there’s been no one and I found I don’t really miss it.” Blaine shrugs again and tries to appear nonchalant.   
“What do you look for in a guy?” It is on the tip of Blaine’s tongue to say everything that is encompassed in Kurt but he doesn’t.  
“Compassion, blue eyes, carefully styled outfits and drive and talent.” Kurt swallows.  
“That is very specific,” he said laughing nervously.   
“I guess that’s why I’m still alone,” Blaine joins with the laugh and they start to catch up on news and work. Kurt describes his new role and when it started, suggesting Blaine come to see him soon. Blaine describes his work now and Kurt notices how his smile spreads across his face to show the love and wonder in the way his career has started. They laugh and joke and Kurt remembers he has Adam at home and that he hasn’t had one thought of how messed up his relationship is as he’s been speaking to Blaine. He knows he’s missed this, knows he needed this all along and he can go back to Adam and apologise and try to see it from his point of view. He thanks Blaine and hugs him goodbye so that Blaine is left there, contemplating going back to the piano to sing away the image of his best friend and the love of his life, going back to the man he never wanted him to marry.

xxxx

In My Life  
A blog celebrating love and acknowledging heartache

I remember the time a girl from our glee club sang ‘Without You’ for an assignment and I looked over at him, sitting next to me in one of his warm cosy hats and fabulously daring outfit and I simply knew. I knew I always wanted to sit next to him, always needed him there. I kissed him on the cheek and he smiled at me and I felt the butterflies just like the first time I saw him descend those stairs at Dalton.   
Our life together is full of amazing memories like that, when he sang to me or when I sang to him, when he bought me a gift that meant more to me than anything I could ever buy with money. He loved me for me and we would have the longest chats about anything. He is perfect to have a gossipy chat about actresses and singers with, knowing all the online gossip before anyone else but I don’t know anyone else that works as hard as he does for other people. He always makes sure his friends are ok, will always defend and love truly. I think what I miss the most is that as a result of his marriage I see him less and hardly ever on his own. It is true what they say – when your best friend finds the love of their life, the best friend soon goes and has to take a back seat.  
Perhaps we were always too close for that, too close to just be friends and to be satisfied with that. I can see him happy, I can recognise that that is good and I want him to have every joy in life, I really do. Maybe we can’t be everything to each other now that is all.  
Writing all these blogs has been the most torturous pleasure I could ever experience but it has helped to re-evaluate my life and what’s important. It has made me think of my decisions and mistakes, the paths I have chosen, the lives I have ruined, including my own. I have trawled through memories, photos, presents and songs – remembering the perfect and the imperfect, crying and smiling and the writing has helped. I have counted so many blogs I have written that I doubt anyone is reading but my favourite memory is to come I think and I can only relay it as I finish.  
I think as much as the blog has been helpful I need it to end now. I hope he will always be in my life, I hope I will always be able to call him a friend and at times he may need me more or I may need to rely on his friendship but that is what best friends do. I think the writing has suited its purpose for now. It has helped me relive our life together and I think I may have forgiven myself for what I did but I know if I carry on writing that thin veil will disappear and I will only sink.   
My last memory is my favourite and one that I will take to my grave as the most beautiful thing that ever happened in my life. It was always our favourite love song, always what we planned to sing at our wedding together but the first time we watched the movie together, we had assembled on his bed, a collection of popcorn and diet sodas on a tray, alongside other musical movies for later. As we watched, he had his back to the headboard on the bed as I lay on his chest my fingers marking circular patterns on his warm skin under his shirt. We were mesmerised as we watched, despite the fact that we had watched the film separately before. As the music changed as the movie continued, he squeezed me closer, like I know he does when he feels particularly emotional.  
“We should sing that at our wedding,” he whispered into my curly hair and the thought of that glorious day happening, made my breath hitch and a smile dawn on my face. I remember thinking we had our whole lives ahead of us and that it was a definite event that was clear in our future. Oh how wrong I was.  
He sat up and paused the movie, reaching to skim over his iPod to select the song and place it on the dock. He looked at me from his position on the bed, kneeling and smiling so warmly as the music started. Without batting an eyelid I started singing the Christian part and I could see his eyes wander around the room, imagining where everything would go, how we could assemble the elephant for our own wedding and sing to each other in front of our guests. He looked so blissfully happy as images and thoughts flitted across his mind, I promised myself I would do anything to make those thoughts happen, to make it a reality.

Never knew I could feel like this  
Like I've never seen the sky before  
Want to vanish inside your kiss  
Seasons may change, winter to spring  
But I love you until the end of time

As I continued to sing he rose from the bed and wandered around his room, turning his back. 

Come what may  
Come what may  
I will love you until my dying day

Suddenly the world seems such a perfect place  
Suddenly it moves with such a perfect grace

As he started to sing his part he turned to face me and I know I have never seen anything more beautiful. We were wearing normal clothes but in that moment I could already imagine what he would be wearing on our wedding day, a simple tux with a bowtie and he would take my breath away. He came closer and we started to dance just as we planned our first dance, close and together.

Suddenly my life doesn't seem such a waste  
It all revolves around you

But he parted from me and I sang the next part to him, desperate to be close again, desperate to touch and know him. I knew then that I would do anything for him.

And there's no mountain too high  
No river too wide  
Sing out this song and I'll be there by your side  
Storm clouds may gather,   
And stars may collide

He looked at me, knowing the truth and he smiled. He knew we were forever and this song was perfect. There was no sadness, no infidelity, just love.

But I love you (I love you)  
Until the end of time(until the end of time)  
Come what may  
Come what may

And we came closer again, like he knew that I had been punished enough and he slipped his hand around my waist and held me close as the song finished. 

I will love you, I will love you

xxx

 

It is a couple of years later, after only a few meet ups between Blaine and Kurt, that Blaine gets a call. His name appears on the screen as it rings but Blaine has to do a second check before he believes the choked sob coming from the receiver is him.   
“Kurt? What’s wrong?”  
There isn’t an answer straight away and Blaine begins to panic thinking something has happened, that he is somehow hurt and alone. He holds the phone still to his ear as he starts to put his shoes and coat on, prepared in an instant to find him, to check he’s ok, to comfort him.   
“Blaine, can I come over? I need a place to stay and you were the only person I could think of, please let me stay,” Kurt pleads as a fresh sob takes over.  
“Of course you can Kurt, of course you can,” Blaine assures him, “But what’s wrong? Are you hurt? Tell me what’s wrong?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs quoted:  
> ‘Dancing on my Own’ by Robyn  
> ‘Happy’ by Leona Lewis  
> ‘Come What May’ from Moulin Rouge


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Blaine is now 24, Kurt 25 and Adam 28.

It seemed to take an age for Kurt to arrive at Blaine’s place and he cleaned and prepared the spare room as well as he could. He checked to see he had enough food in the apartment, he prepared a calming playlist on his iPod for when Kurt arrived and started the coffee machine and watched the machine prepare itself as he waited. He was constantly on edge and in a bid to calm his twitching fingers he played on his piano when a timid knock was suddenly heard at the door.   
As he opened it, Kurt was leaning on his upright suitcase like he could barely support his own weight and had given up. He looked apprehensive, like he wasn’t entirely sure he had made the right decision but Blaine took all his bags and led him inside. Blaine was still not convinced that Kurt wasn’t hurt but Kurt smiled sadly to reassure him as he stood in the living room, Blaine walking to the kitchen to start the coffee machine again. Once it started whirring he stood near the doorway, not sure if Kurt wanted him nearby and not wanting to scare or upset him.  
“Kurt?”  
Kurt turned to face Blaine at the sound of his voice, not daring to speak, not daring to move and Blaine decided to make coffee, to give him some space. As he returned with two steaming cups of coffee, Kurt took one tentatively from his place on the sofa and the feel of the steam rising hit his face and made him sigh. Blaine sat apart from Kurt, his face a picture of anxiety and worry as Kurt looked at him again.  
As soon as it had been decided with Adam, Kurt knew that here with Blaine was the only place he could go, this man was the only one who would be truly there for him and he smiled, causing Blaine to look surprised at the sudden change of mood. Kurt felt safe already.   
“I’ve never seen your new place before,” Kurt said, his eyes scanning the room in awe, “It’s nice.”   
“Kurt, what’s happened?” Blaine said, not wanting the pleasant chit-chat to continue until he knew. “Have you been hurt? Where’s Adam?”  
“He’s at home,” Kurt said, his face dropping at the tone of Blaine’s voice, the need to discuss what had happened. “I’m not hurt.”  
“What happened?”   
“We’re getting a divorce,” Kurt said simply. Blaine’s heart seemed to stop and he sat back in his chair to wait for an explanation. He had wanted this for so long it felt quite alien to Blaine to have his wish granted. The look of utter sadness across Kurt’s face was enough to make Blaine realise that this was not a happy decision and the timing in Blaine’s life could not have been worse.  
“We’ve been going downhill for ages, ever since that argument I spoke to you about. Gosh that was two years ago now, wasn’t it?” Kurt looks in the distance as if he could see the trailing departure of time itself. Kurt seemed to realise the awkward position he’s put Blaine in and he apologises.  
“I’m sorry Blaine, I haven’t been a good friend to you, haven’t been around and now here I am on your doorstep and you don’t know what’s been going on. I just expected you to help me, god I’m such a bitch.” He stands in annoyance and goes towards the window, looking out at the darkness of the streets below.  
“It’s fine Kurt, I’m always here for you, you know that. I made that promise all those years ago and I intend to keep it.” Kurt turned to face Blaine slowly, fresh tears in his eyes, and Blaine instantly reached out to him, touched his arm gently in apology.  
“Kurt, I didn’t mean to make you cry…”  
“No,” Kurt says shaking his head and looking at the hand on his arm, “I just can’t believe you remember those words after all these years, I don’t deserve a friend like you.” A single tear trickles down his face as he blinks and Blaine knows he doesn’t have the right, but he wipes it away with his finger and Kurt leans into the touch. A little shocked at his own actions, Kurt takes a step back and finds his seat on the sofa, Blaine now sitting near him on the other side.   
“What happened?” Blaine said, starting the conversation again in order for the awkward moment to pass and Kurt seems to reach a decision, his hands squeezed together on his lap, he starts the story.  
“As I said we’ve been struggling for years. I think the last time I saw you, one of Rachel’s dinners, Adam wasn’t there?” Kurt checked with Blaine and he nodded. “Well we’d had a huge row that afternoon and Adam, instead of apologising, refused to go out for dinner and I had to make an excuse for him.”  
“Yeah you said he was ill,” Blaine said, and Kurt looked ashamed at the lie.  
“Yeah, I couldn’t admit it. I guess everyone thought we were so in love and happy I didn’t want to disappoint anyone. Part of me wanted to pretend everything was all right, so I could carry on. Work was gruelling and when Adam eventually found work, it was always temporary and not a lot of money. I know he finds it tough, I really do know but he always picked arguments about it. I think he thought that I rubbed it in his face and made him feel guilty but the truth is I always felt like I was treading on egg shells around him, never sure what would make him angry or upset.”  
“Was he violent?” Blaine said suddenly, worried that Kurt had suffered this all on his own.  
“No,” Kurt said adamantly shaking his head, “Never, he was just moody with me or would stay silent for days at a time. By the time I knew we had problems we were so far from talking that nothing could be done about any of it. I tried, I suggested counselling a few months ago but he didn’t want to admit we had any issues. The outside perception of our relationship was really important to him and no one knew about any problems. I suppose that’s why I’m here, I know that I haven’t been around much but everyone else would be so surprised I know I couldn’t handle it. Even my dad doesn’t know and thinks we’re madly in love still. I know that’s why I haven’t seen you as much, I could never lie to you and I know you would see right through me.”  
Blaine didn’t know whether to take this as a compliment or not. Knowing that his deep knowledge of Kurt and his facial features and body language had kept him from his best friend for months had him realising how much he had missed him.  
“We’ve been living separate lives for three months now,” Kurt continued, “I mean really detached: separate beds, never talking unless to exchange information about grocery shopping or bills. We seemed to reach a way of living like that, like that was what our whole life together would be like until we die. I couldn’t bear it.” Kurt looked down, already so sad that he had failed and feeling so defeated.  
“What made you decide to separate tonight though?” Blaine said, realising there must have been something to make him decide to leave.  
“He forgot our anniversary,” Kurt whispered, “And I know it seems silly to fixate on that after all the lack of communication, but it meant more to me. I think I realised as I gave him his gift and he looked at me with alarm, knowing he hadn’t even thought of it, I couldn’t go on pretending that it was all ok. We discussed what we wanted and he acknowledged that he didn’t want to work at it, felt the damage was all too much. I think that hurt the most – knowing that he didn’t even want to try, that he didn’t seem bothered. He hadn’t remembered our anniversary, it wasn’t important and he just wanted to live his life. It didn’t matter if I was living with him, he barely noticed my presence.”  
Kurt looked diminished sitting there on the sofa, reduced to what Adam led him to believe he was. Blaine wanted to reach out to him, comfort him but he knew it would be dangerous. Blaine hadn’t seen Kurt on his own for years, always with a crowd or with Adam and he had started to move on. He would always have a special place in his heart for Kurt, would always remember their time together fondly but he had known since he ended the blog that constantly thinking about what he missed and what he could have had would lead to his demise. He knew he had needed to concentrate on other things that made him happy, his singing, his friends and living in New York. He was living his dream and in many ways he had moved on. But looking at Kurt now, sad and dejected, he knew he could so easily be dragged back in and he had to guard his heart.  
He made Kurt’s bed up and went to his own bedroom to change into his pyjamas after checking Kurt didn’t need anything else. Blaine finished brushing his teeth and lay in bed with the lamp still on, knowing he wouldn’t be able to sleep. Seeing Kurt again after all these months, knowing his marriage had been a lie, left Blaine torn between wanting to comfort Kurt and wanting to protect himself and run. He had thought of Kurt only in the fleeting moments, when he heard one of their songs or thought he could smell his cologne but those times had lessened, so determined not to concentrate on those images and memories for too long. Blaine had been proud of himself, deciding to live his life without regret and not linger on those fleeting memories and yearnings. Seeing Kurt tonight he knew was dangerous and he could feel himself edging closer to him as he sat on the sofa, itching to hug him, bring him closer. He had forgotten how his blue eyes could swirl with colour, always reflecting his emotion. He had forgotten how fiercely protective he felt around him and how vulnerable but caring Kurt could be. As Kurt had left and said goodnight, closing the door to the spare bedroom behind him, Blaine had gulped at the sight of his ass in those sinfully tight red pants and realised he was done for. How could the man still have this hold over him after all these years? Blaine wondered if he would even remember his touch or how his lips felt against his own but as he lay in bed, he started to imagine what it would be like now, after all the change and heartache. Had Kurt morphed into something unrealistic and worthy only of dreams?   
As Blaine turned onto his side and turned off the lamp, determined to get at least a few hours sleep that night, he heard a timid knock at the door and he sat up, saying Kurt could enter.  
“Blaine, I can’t sleep, I wondered if you had to be up early tomorrow? I thought we could watch a movie or something? Tell me if I’m overstepping,” he said in a rush, “But I guess I could use the company if you were up anyway?” As Blaine’s room was so dark Kurt was surrounded by light from the hallway, causing him to appear to loom over him from the doorway and Blaine gulped.  
“Yeah sure,” Blaine said, getting up from the bed and switching on the light. The illusion disappearing. He wandered to the living room and flipped through his DVDs. “What do you fancy?”  
“Nothing too soppy,” Kurt said grimacing, “Maybe a musical or a fantasy?”  
Blaine’s eyes alighted on the perfect choice. “Harry Potter?” he asked, his eyes twinkling.  
“Really?” Kurt said, mocking him just like he used to when they were younger. “I thought you’d got over that obsession.”  
“It was never an obsession, I just showed the right amount of love and adoration that a great series of books deserves,” Blaine said laughing. He had repeated this argument so many times and he had always won, Kurt secretly liking the films but never telling Blaine. He decided on ‘Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban’ and they got under the blanket Blaine had draped over their legs and settled to watch the movie.  
“So what’s been happening in your life Blaine?” Kurt asked, the squishy bus journey happening to Harry as he spoke.  
“Well that’s a massive question, it’s ages since I’ve seen you,” Blaine laughed.  
“Well just summarise,” Kurt said laughing, waving his hand nonchalantly, “Tell me the best bits.”  
“Well I’ve been seeing this guy Elliot for a few months now,” Blaine said it so nonchalantly that Kurt was determined not to blanch at the news of a boyfriend and he didn’t comment, knowing that it could wait. Blaine was always so reticent about mentioning dates and that was never part of their conversation. The knowledge that Blaine was seeing someone caused an uneasy feeling in his stomach that he had never felt before and he searched his memory but he couldn’t remember Blaine having a boyfriend, just dates and always temporary relationships. “I’ve still got my piano bar gigs,” Blaine continued, as if he had said nothing at all and not noticing Kurt’s struggle. “I still play wherever and whenever I can. Someone heard me a few weeks ago at a bar across town and he was interested in listening to my EP and producing a new one. I’ve written a few more songs recently so he said I should send him a demo.”  
“That’s fantastic Blaine,” Kurt said excitedly, “I can’t believe you didn’t tell me this sooner.”  
“Well I didn’t want to text you if you were busy. Are you still on stage? I haven’t seen you in a while.”  
“I have a few weeks off before I start rehearsals for an off-Broadway production. It’s a new musical actually and they’re hoping to take it to Broadway eventually so if it goes well…”  
“I love that you have always been able to do what you dreamed Kurt,” Blaine said sincerely, his eyes twinkling with pride. “You’ve worked so hard and you really deserve it all, I’m glad I can see you succeed where you wanted to.”  
It had been so long since someone had praised him for his career, really genuinely acknowledging his hard work and talent, that Kurt felt tears start in his eyes and blinked them away. He had never been so emotional in front of Blaine before but all the pent up feelings seemed to want to leak through his eyes at the kind gestures of the man snuggling next to him. Adam, lately resenting his success, had only praised him in the early days of their relationship, when he had work himself. It had become a bone of contention for so long that Kurt had rarely spoken about his own work. He had always loved that Blaine loved music just as much as he did, that he dreamed just as big and the idea that both of them got to do what they were passionate about, was amazing to Kurt.  
“Thanks Blaine,” Kurt said smiling, so grateful that he had him as a friend and as they continued to watch the film, Kurt slipped his hand inside Blaine’s, warm and content under the blanket.


	8. Chapter 8

Blaine woke up the following morning to a strip of light hitting his face, causing him to blink. His arm was around something warm and solid and as his eyes went into focus, he realised it was Kurt, who lay sprawled on his chest. They had managed to fall asleep during the film, Blaine practically sitting upright, his head to one side, whilst Kurt laid tucked into Blaine’s side, his legs up on the couch. Blaine needed to move, his neck already letting him know he was in a painful position but Kurt huffed out small puffs of air on his chest and sounded so peaceful Blaine didn’t want to disturb him. He had guessed Kurt hadn’t slept well over the last few weeks and reaching such a decision the day before must have taken its toll on his best friend. Blaine could lie still for a few more minutes.  
Blaine hadn’t really thought of the consequences when Kurt had called him the day before. He knew Kurt needed him and it was easy to do what he could to help. Elliot was currently on a business trip and wouldn’t be back for a few days. Their relationship was so casual that he wasn’t even sure if Elliot would let him know when he returned. They seemed to flit in and out of each other’s lives whenever they were needed and it had seemed to suit Blaine. Blaine sometimes worried he had become so emotionally detached that he was now incapable of a long term, stable relationship and Elliot was so busy with work that he never demanded more from Blaine than he was able to give. Blaine of course hadn’t seen Kurt in the months that Elliot and Blaine had decided to be exclusive and there was of course never a right moment to explain that he had waited patiently for the love of his life, only to be disappointed. Elliot knew nothing of his friendship with Kurt, his failed relationship in high school, his endless unrequited love and Blaine hoped to keep it that way. But as he lay there, listening to Kurt’s breathing and feeling his weight on his chest as it rose and fell with his own breaths, he knew that he would have to offer some explanation why this man was now living with him. He was worried that their interaction would give him away and before he woke Kurt gently he decided he would use the time before Elliot returned, to protect his heart, detach himself from Kurt.   
“Mmm…” Kurt mumbled as he stirred in Blaine’s arms as Blaine shook him gently. Instead of having the desired effect of waking him, Kurt snuck closer to Blaine, squeezing his sides and nuzzling his nose in Blaine’s chest.   
“Kurt,” Blaine said near his ear and Kurt shivered until there was a pause and Blaine could feel his back muscles go taut with tension. Kurt quickly sat up like he’d been burnt, his eyes wide with shock.  
“Oh god I’m so sorry Blaine,” he said flushing, “I didn’t mean to sleep on you, you must have been so uncomfortable.”  
“No I was fine,” Blaine said shrugging and smiling, “You were fine. You looked like you needed a good night sleep and I didn’t want to disturb you.”  
Kurt started to rub his eyes adorably and as he sat up properly Blaine could see his hair sticking up where he had been lying on Blaine. Blaine couldn’t help but smile, and then he got up, put the coffee machine on and distanced himself physically from him. Kurt followed asking permission to look through his cupboards to prepare breakfast.  
“You don’t have to ask Kurt, you’re more than welcome here. This is your home now, for as long as you need. Help yourself.”  
“I just wanted to make you breakfast, I really appreciate you letting me stay Blaine, but I’ll start looking for a place today. I won’t be in your hair for long.” Kurt started busying himself starting to make pancakes with the ingredients he had assembled in front of him. He avoided Blaine’s gaze and Blaine thought back to the times Kurt was nervous at high school. Whenever something stressful occurred in Kurt’s life he would clean or cook and as he lit the hob he could see Kurt’s hands start to shake. He watched as he prepared the batter, Blaine making coffee, and as Kurt watched the pancakes cooking in the moulds he had found to make cute shapes, Blaine came over to his side. He stilled the shaking hands and Kurt looked up for the first time since entering the kitchen, his blue eyes big, the colours swirling with tears.   
“You can stay as long as you need Kurt,” Blaine said quietly and his thumbs rhythmically circled patterns on the hands in his own. Kurt seemed to calm down with Blaine so close and his shoulders relaxed.   
“Thanks Blaine,” he whispered, his hands remaining in Blaine’s until the pancakes needed flipping and Blaine poured the coffee. He looked at Kurt’s back as he finished the pancakes and reprimanded himself. What was he doing? How could this man still have any effect over him after all these years? But as he watched Kurt lovingly prepare breakfast plates full of pancakes and pour maple syrup on them just like Blaine liked, he realised he had never experienced anything so domestic and awesome. He felt warm and fuzzy as they sat in silence preparing to eat pancakes and drink their coffee.   
“Oh my god Kurt,” Blaine exclaimed as he tried his first mouth full, “These are amazing,” as he continued to moan around his fork.  
Kurt smiled in pleasure, glad that he could do something right and they continued to eat until the pancakes had gone and they were drinking their second cup of coffee, the smell wafting around the kitchen.  
“Have you told Elliot that I’m staying?” Kurt asked after a while. He looked awkward and nervous at mentioning the boyfriend that he knew nothing about so Blaine smiled reassuringly.  
“No, but he’s away on a business trip at the moment, so I’ll see him in a couple of days. We don’t live together.” Kurt seemed reassured and nodded.  
“I know I’ve been a crappy friend Blaine, but I intend to change that I really do. Tell me all about him,” he said, leaning closer over his mug of coffee, just like they were two teenagers about to engage in gossipy chat about relationships.   
“There’s not much to tell really,” Blaine said nonchalantly, “I met him a few months ago at a club, we hit it off, the rest is history.”  
“Blaine!” Kurt said indignantly, “That can’t be it! What does he do for a living? What’s he like? Is he ‘the one’?” Kurt’s face displayed such a playful expression of glee and cheekiness that Blaine wanted to run and hide. How could he not know after all these years? Blaine had forgotten about the idea of soulmates when he had witnessed his get married to someone else.  
“He’s a marketing director actually, I think he secretly loves his job but he always moans about how busy he is.”  
“So is it love?” Kurt asked.  
“Oh I don’t know,” Blaine said, avoiding Kurt’s gaze, “I like spending time with him but we don’t spend an awful lot of time together. We seem to suit each other I guess.”  
“How long have you been together?”  
“Six months?” Blaine said, as if he really was asking, he hadn’t kept the date, they just seemed to fall into a pattern of dating regularly until Blaine assumed they were now exclusive. It suddenly occurred to him, he had no idea if Elliot saw other people but he realised the thought that he might be dating others didn’t bother him as much as he thought.   
“You really aren’t romantic at all are you?” Kurt said laughing and Blaine remembered that conversation they had in the Lima Bean all those years ago. Blaine had spent the rest of their time together trying to show Kurt that he could be romantic – singing to him, making him gifts, loving him. He had wanted to do that for Kurt, to be everything and it all came naturally. Blaine suddenly swallowed at the realisation that he would never want to be romantic to any other guy.  
“Blaine, will he mind me staying?” Kurt asked, worrying his bottom lip in his teeth, “I mean I can stay somewhere else if it’s a problem.”  
“No don’t be silly Kurt,” Blaine said getting up to clean the dishes, “I’ll explain when he returns and I’m sure he’ll understand. Honestly stay as long as you need.”  
Kurt still didn’t look convinced but they cleaned the dishes and got dressed. Kurt knew he would need to go back to get the rest of his stuff soon but it could wait a few days and they ended up watching another movie and chatting. It was amazing to Blaine how they could go right back to their friendship like before, always sharing what was on their minds, always laughing and feeling understood. Months may have passed but it was a mere dot on the fabric of their friendship and Kurt was grateful for the peace he found here after the loneliness with Adam.

xXx

It was a few days later when Elliot returned and he text Blaine to suggest a dinner date the following night. Blaine was nervous, not letting on to Kurt how worried he was about Elliot’s reaction. It wasn’t that he thought he’d be angry, it just took Kurt’s arrival to make him realise he hardly knew Elliot; he couldn’t possibly predict how he would react.   
Kurt said he’d go out that night, meet up with Rachel, fill her in on all the happenings and Blaine waited impatiently at the restaurant table, fiddling with his napkin and inadvertently ripping bits off. Elliot arrived ten minutes later, apologetic and sitting opposite Blaine who was surrounded by bits of napkin. Elliot looked at him carefully.  
“What’s wrong?” he asked simply, settling in his seat after ordering a bottle of wine.  
“Oh nothing,” Blaine tried to say nonchalantly, gathering the bits of napkin and putting them into his pocket.   
“Blaine,” Elliot said, wanting to get straight to the point.  
“Ok,” Blaine started, already starting to fiddle with his knife and fork, “Something happened while you were away and I didn’t want you to get the wrong impression or worry about it but I also couldn’t really explain over the phone, which is why I haven’t rung you about it.”  
“Ok, shoot,” Elliot said as he sipped his wine and perused the menu. He didn’t seem bothered, which worried Blaine more.  
“I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned Kurt before?” he asks, knowing full well he has never mentioned Kurt, never breathed his name. Elliot shakes his head as expected. “Well he’s my best friend from high school and he got married a few years ago. I was there but we haven’t seen each other for months and he rang me a few days ago asking if he could stay. He’s divorcing his husband.” Elliot looked up at the mention of ‘staying’ and ‘husband’ but he just nodded in understanding.  
“So he’s gay?”  
“Yeah, I mean we used to date in high school but that was years ago,” Blaine said laughing, trying to make the notion of their relationship sound trivial and ridiculous when it was the complete opposite.   
“Ok,” Elliot said, his menu now resting open on the table in front of him, his eyes only on Blaine. “What are you trying to tell me Blaine?”  
“He’s staying until he gets his own place, I just wondered if that was ok with you. I mean he feels awkward but…”  
Elliot wasn’t stupid and Blaine reeked of nervous energy and worry. He had never seen Blaine like this and reading between the lines he could tell this Kurt meant much more to him than he was willing to admit.   
“He was ‘it’ wasn’t he?” Elliot said kindly.  
“Uh, what do you mean?” Blaine stuttered, shuffling in his seat.  
“He was someone special in high school?”  
Blaine knew this was the moment. He could lie, brush off the statement as nonsense but this was his chance to explain to someone, to share his heartbreak. Elliot looked kindly at him, despite not expecting this conversation after a few days away.   
“Don’t worry Blaine, we never said this was exclusive, you’re free to go off. It’s ok.”  
Blaine didn’t know what to say. He had spent days worrying about this conversation and of all the scenarios he had imagined, he wasn’t expecting this one. He felt hurt that he meant so little to someone that he had been seeing for six months and his mind wandered over the times they had spent together.  
“Have you been seeing other people?” Blaine asked.  
“God no,” Elliot said adamantly, “I just know we never had that discussion and I didn’t want you to feel guilty about dumping me for him. You’re someone special Blaine, you deserve someone that can give you more than I can, I get that.”  
“But he’s never said he feels anything but friendship for me, I hurt him, years ago but I know he’s never really forgiven me. Things can never be what they were.”  
“What did you do?”   
“I cheated,” Blaine said, looking down in his lap at his fingers. “He was a freshman at college, working in New York before he got in at NYADA and I was a senior in Ohio. I missed him like crazy but I started realising that we been joined at the hip and then there was nothing. I was lonely and ideas crept to my mind that maybe he wasn’t the one for me, maybe we were too young for that. I met someone online and regretted it instantly but it was too late.”  
“He must have forgiven you if you’re still friends.”  
“Yeah he said he did and we hooked up a few times afterwards but he started seeing his now ex-husband and I kept waiting but then I got tired of waiting for life to begin. I started living again and we only wove in and out of each other’s lives sporadically.”  
“Well why don’t you see how things go? Maybe tell him how you feel?”  
“Are you serious?” Blaine asked wide eyed, “I can’t believe this is how this conversation is going. I thought we were at least exclusive. I like you a lot Elliot, I thought I meant something.”  
Elliot smiled at him kindly. He was a few years older than Blaine and now looking at the younger man he smiled at his naivety, knowing how life works.  
“Blaine I’ve mentioned before how I don’t want to marry and have kids, I know you’re not one for casual relationships and you deserve more than a workaholic that just wants a good time. I have been completely faithful to you Blaine but I understand you might need more from life than just me. I really like you too but if you decide Kurt is the one for you, you should take the opportunity for happiness.”  
“Maybe I need to think about it,” Blaine said quietly, pretending to look at the menu.  
“Well you do that and get back to me. I’ll still be waiting here.” Elliot got the waiter’s attention so they could order and no more was mentioned of Kurt. They discussed Elliot’s trip, his work and Blaine’s meeting with the recording executive tomorrow. Blaine realised conversation and sex had always been easy with Elliot, probably because there were never any strings attached and he had liked their casual relationship, it had suited them well. But as he sat there eating opposite Elliot, he realised he had got used to the warm advice and the caring nature of the man. In high school Blaine had been impetuous, determined to be spontaneous and fun but the knock he had received from Kurt after their relationship had ended had him changing into this small and insecure person, never sure of himself and always begging for other’s opinions. He realised he had relied on Elliot for so much support over the six months they had been together and he really hoped that even if they finished over this, that their friendship would remain.

xXx

In My Life  
A blog celebrating love and acknowledging heartache

I have started this again in the hope that the healing and the closure it achieved before would help me some more. There is something about writing online that allows anonymity and clarity of thought and if ever there was a time that was needed…  
He is in my life again when I thought he wouldn’t be. He is living with me and I see him constantly. He never knows what he does to me, never sees how I struggle but there he is a constant reminder that I am doomed.  
I was in a sort of relationship before he arrived again but now that he has returned he has put my mind in turmoil and I keep torturing myself. I need to think clearly, need to know for definite and writing is the only way. It will probably be harder to find time but today whilst he is in the shower singing Lady Gaga’s ‘Born This Way’, I know I need to write rather than imagine what he would be like now in the shower. Drops of water travelling along his pale strong chest, his blue eyes twinkling mischievously as he would hug me closer. God I’m pathetic.  
As he sings in the shower I remember how fierce he was performing this song in the auditorium for a glee assignment in high school. He wore a T-shirt proudly declaring he ‘likes boys’ and as the girls in the club tore open his red chequered shirt and he lifted his ‘paws’ up just like a gorgeous monster, I remember looking at him from my seat in the empty auditorium, and as he wandered over to me after everyone had gone he looked shy at my expression. I knew I must have been practically drooling over him and he probably felt exposed but he just oozed sex without even realising it. Whenever he tried too hard he would look ridiculous but when he put absolutely no effort in, he was flawless. He looked so confident and fierce on stage, comfortable in his own skin, accepting of himself, that I couldn’t help but love him more. He really is amazing.  
I remember practically dragging him to my house afterwards and it was the first time we did anything remotely racy. I watched him come undone by my hand and he was so gorgeous, I nearly came with the sounds he made and the expressions on his face. He kept the T-shirt on and I relished making his hair stick up by brushing my hands through it and tugging. God he was gorgeous.  
I can still hear him singing now but he has moved on to newer Lady Gaga songs. He sounds so happy in the shower and I’m glad now that he can relax and not worry about his ex-husband. I want him to feel happy and content in his skin again. I hope he realises one day how much he is loved and how much awesome there is in that wonderful body of his.

Xxxxx

Blaine puts his laptop away as the water turns off and he starts making coffee, fully aware that Kurt coming out of the shower with just a towel around his waist, his hair all wet and tousled, would be his complete and utter downfall.   
He keeps his hands busy until Kurt enters in a sinfully tight pair of jeans with the comfiest looking jumper and smiles. Blaine hands him a coffee and sits down at his piano starting to tinkle, avoiding Kurt’s eyes and occasionally sipping his drink. Kurt is watching him carefully, no words spoken until Blaine starts to play a song that Kurt recognises.   
He doesn’t sing, knowing the words would come out as choked as they did all those years ago at Callbacks before he broke Kurt’s heart. He tries to remember the first time he sang the song, when Kurt sneaked into Dalton to spy and bounced happily at watching Blaine ooze confidence. Kurt watches him as he is transported back and the weight of all that has happened between them over the years seems to hang on Blaine’s shoulders as he plays. Kurt realises he never did say he was forgiven, though it was endlessly implied in their renewed friendship. As Blaine finishes playing he looks up to see Kurt watching him, his eyes glistening.   
“You always sing and play that song beautifully Blaine,” he says as he sips his coffee, “So many memories.” He smiles, then it falters and Blaine worries what he will say next. “I forgive you Blaine,” he says simply, “I did a very long time ago but I thought you might want to hear it.” Kurt’s voice gets quieter as he wonders how his words will be taken. Blaine only smiles and nods, unable to speak as tears threaten to fall but Kurt knows that what he has said has suddenly made the room lighter and he is glad.


	9. Chapter 9

The meeting with the recording executive goes ahead as planned and Blaine is quickly ushered into what appears to be a board room, with a seemingly endless table and a projector. Blaine stands when Robert enters, the same man who heard him play in the bar weeks ago now and he shakes his hand firmly, Blaine determined to appear confident. He indicates a chair for Blaine to sit down and he smiles.  
“Well I said before how we were interested in hearing more from you and I loved the demo you sent me. I want to hear more of your intended music before we sign any official documents but we love your sound.”  
Blaine wasn’t sure who he was referring to when he said ‘we’ but he nodded, preparing to agree with anything the man said.   
“Do you have anything you can play to us now?” He stood abruptly and opened the door so Blaine could only nod quickly before he was taken to another room with a piano. He wasn’t prepared, didn’t know what to play but as he sat at the piano, Robert looking at him expectantly he decided to play a song he hadn’t played in years. He knew the song so well, writing it just after Kurt had married Adam. It had kept him up most nights until it was finished and it was a song close to his heart, almost like his baby. 

Same bed, but it feels just a little bit bigger now  
Our song on the radio, but it don't sound the same  
When our friends talk about you all that it does is just tear me down  
Cause my heart breaks a little when I hear your name  
And it all just sounds like uh, uh, uh

Hmmm too young, too dumb to realize  
That I should have bought you flowers and held your hand  
Should have gave you all my hours when I had the chance  
Take you to every party cause all you wanted to do was dance  
Now my baby’s dancing, but he's dancing with another man.

Robert was beaming and he suddenly stood and opened the door, talking to someone in the corridor before closing it and sitting to watch and listen.

Now I never, never get to clean up the mess I made  
And it haunts me every time I close my eyes  
It all just sounds like uh, uh, uh, uh

Blaine almost didn’t notice the other people coming into listen, he was so engrossed in his song and remembering how he had felt at the time he wrote it. Despite Blaine missing Kurt and Adam’s first dance, it seemed he couldn’t miss all the dancing at the wedding, and he could picture them dancing now, so close and Blaine’s chest had constricted at the sight. 

Too young, too dumb to realize  
That I should have bought you flowers and held your hand  
Should have gave you all my hours when I had the chance  
Take you to every party cause all you wanted to do was dance  
Now my baby’s dancing, but he's dancing with another man.

Although it hurts I'll be the first to say that I was wrong  
Oh, I know I'm probably much too late  
To try and apologize for my mistakes  
But I just want you to know  
I hope he buys you flowers, I hope he holds your hand  
Give you all his hours when he has the chance  
Take you to every party cause I remember how much you loved to dance  
Do all the things I should have done when I was your man  
Do all the things I should have done when I was your man

It was such a simple song but all the executives in the room, even the secretary that had helped Blaine find his way to the conference room, were mesmerised at the singing and the heartbreak evident in his face. They must see so many hopefuls come in daily or hear so many demos but everyone in that room realised why they did the job they did and how amazing music really was at expressing emotion.   
As the song finished Blaine looked up with a sad smile, expectant but worried at the use of the male pronoun. Robert came forward.  
“That was amazing,” he said, stretching out his hand to shake Blaine’s, “I think we have a new star.” Everyone in the room clapped and Robert led him into his office where they would discuss contracts and album ideas. He clearly looked excited at the prospect of signing Blaine, who only looked stunned.

xXx

“That’s fantastic Blaine!” Kurt exclaimed over the phone as Blaine rang him as soon as he left the building. “We need to celebrate, I’ll meet you now. We should go out to dinner!” Kurt sounded so excited that Blaine could only nod until he realised Kurt couldn’t see him and he confirmed that they would meet in half an hour at a restaurant they both knew.  
Singing that song had brought back how sad he had felt, how overwhelmed he had been when faced with Kurt and Adam. When Kurt had forgiven him earlier as he played ‘Teenage Dream’, he had been so relieved but surprised at how much he had needed to hear those words. A weight had been lifted and he wanted now to enjoy his success with the man he had known all along was the man of his dreams, his soul mate. Elliot was right, he shouldn’t miss this opportunity to find true love and really show Kurt how much he meant to him.   
Blaine waited outside the restaurant for Kurt and as soon as he approached, Kurt practically ran to him and hugged him tightly. As they parted Blaine almost thought Kurt was happier than he was at the news that he was going to release an album, his smile wide and contagious.   
“I just can’t believe it Blaine, you’re going to be a superstar, I just know it!” He bounced on the balls of his feet and Blaine laughed.  
“Not quite yet, I think there’s a bit of work ahead but I am excited. Let’s go in.”  
While eating their meals Blaine explained in a bit more detail about what the plan was and what they were hoping his music would sound like. They knew he would appeal to younger girls so Blaine had agreed to sing gender neutral songs despite making it quite clear he wouldn’t hide if he were to date in the future. At this Kurt raised his eyebrow in question.  
“In future? Aren’t you dating Elliot now?”  
“Oh yeah, about that,” Blaine started, looking sheepish, “I think we’re keeping it casual after our dinner the other night.”  
“Casual?”  
“Well Elliot’s busy and I’m busy and we never did decide if we were exclusive or not, so we’ll see.”  
“That doesn’t bother you?” Kurt asked, raising his eyebrows.  
“No not really. I mean if I loved him and wanted to be exclusive definitely but we’ve never been that way. I don’t know…” Blaine said shrugging his shoulders.  
“I don’t know Blaine that sounds risky. I mean what if he breaks your heart? I couldn’t do that. I want to be loved completely and utterly. I know it sounds stupid and naïve coming from a recently separated man but I still believe in love – perfect, all-consuming, ‘can’t live without the other’ kind of love. Don’t you?”  
Blaine thought for a moment. He had always wanted that and he had thought he had that with Kurt in high school but as he looked at him now maybe he had imagined it all along. Maybe it had been real for him but just a high school romance for Kurt. How did you really know when someone was right for you? Maybe they had had their fizz and spark, now all that was possible was a fizzle.  
“Definitely yes,” he answered, “But I don’t know if everyone is that lucky Kurt. To have more than one love in a lifetime? I don’t know.” Blaine shrugged his shoulders, obviously thinking of his own life, he didn’t think about what it would sound like to Kurt, who was ending his ‘til death us do part’ relationship. Kurt visibly blanched and sat back in his seat.  
“Ouch,” he said.  
“Oh god,” Blaine said, eyes wide at what he had said, “I didn’t mean you; I was just thinking about my own life. God I’m such an idiot. Of course you’ll get two loves, more than two loves if you want – I…”   
“It’s ok Blaine, it’s fine,” Kurt said sadly, “I get it, it’s what I’ve thought myself if I’m honest. I mean I was lucky, who does get more than one chance at love? Some don’t even get that. I am lucky.” He said the last statement as if he was trying to convince himself too. He started to fiddle with his napkin and Blaine recognised that nervous tick in himself and wanted to laugh. Instead he placed his hand on Kurt’s, effectively stilling his nervous behaviour with his napkin.  
“Kurt, you will find love again, I promise. If you only get one true love that just means Adam wasn’t yours.”  
Kurt looked at Blaine, his blue eyes swirling, showing a myriad of emotions and Blaine felt like drowning in those eyes, at once so arresting and beautiful. Blaine knew at that moment for definite that despite all the years and heartbreak that this man in front of him was his soul mate and he would die trying to get him back.   
“How about we go dancing?” Blaine suddenly suggested and Kurt looked taken aback at the abrupt change of topic.  
“Dancing?” Kurt asked and Blaine nodded.  
“To celebrate? I feel like dancing, let’s dance!” Kurt knew when Blaine was in excited puppy mode and he chuckled. They paid the bill and made their way to a traditional club that Blaine and Kurt had been to before but with separate dates and on different occasions. As soon as they entered they seemed to be transported to another world, where chivalry and dancing were the heights of romance. They felt underdressed but after a cocktail at the bar and watching couples of all ages, genders and sizes dance together, they got the courage to go on the dance floor themselves. While Kurt was in the bathroom, Blaine spoke to the conductor, requesting an old favourite and as soon as Kurt returned he offered his hand to lead them to the dance floor.   
As the piano started to play, Blaine took Kurt’s hand bringing him closer, another hand wrapped around his waist. The song slowly became recognisable and Kurt looked at Blaine then at the small orchestra, not sure who was to blame for the choice of song.

I know it's late, I know you're weary   
I know your plans don't include me 

“Blaine?” Kurt said, his expression unsure but Blaine only smiled and brought him closer.  
“Just enjoy it,” Blaine whispered near his ear and Kurt smiled.

Still here we are, both of us lonely   
Longing for shelter from all that we see   
Why should we worry, no one will care girl   
Look at the stars so far away   
We've got tonight, who needs tomorrow?   
We've got tonight babe   
Why don't you stay? 

Deep in my soul, I've been so lonely   
All of my hopes, fading away   
I've longed for love, like everyone else does   
I know I'll keep searching, after today 

Blaine knew he had tried to search for love for all this time, knowing it was right here but he was so desperate for Kurt to know too. Kurt could only remember when they had last danced, when they had last heard this song. The slow movements, the closeness – he hadn’t known this for quite a while, even with Adam and it all seemed so simple. He clung closer to Blaine in his desperation to know something, to feel something he had forgotten.

I know it's late, and I know you're weary   
I know your plans don't include me   
Still here we are, both of us lonely   
Both of us lonely 

Kurt realised Blaine was lonely, just like him, his notion of love so ridiculous to Kurt’s romantic ideal, he thought Blaine couldn’t possibly believe it himself. It was comforting to know he would always have Blaine, his best friend. 

We've got tonight, who needs tomorrow?   
Let's make it last, let's find a way   
Turn out the light; come take my hand now   
We've got tonight babe   
Why don't we stay?   
We've got tonight babe   
Why don't we stay

The song ended and they parted, kind smiles shared and Kurt thought he knew why Blaine had requested that song – he was wrong.

In My Life  
A blog celebrating love and acknowledging heartache

I sit here writing again while he is in bed, wishing I was with him, tucked up in his side or watching him sleep. Not like a creeper but just like I used to when he slept over my house in high school. I always have been an early riser, he used to say it was because I consumed a few too many sweets in the daytime. I used to wake before him and roll over on my side, disentangle his limbs from my body so I could watch him instead. His eyes would flicker and occasionally his lips would tremble out little puffs of air but he looked so beautiful I could never wake him. It annoyed him when he was often late for school but I have no regrets.  
We danced last night. It was actually the same song we had last danced to, all those years ago, when I still believed. I remember holding him close, breathing him in and feeling his warm back under my fingers. I had forgotten how magical it all felt that night, until I tried to relive it tonight. His body felt the same but I remember feeling so blindly hopeful and optimistic and I wonder what my eighteen year old self would think, looking at me now at twenty-four. It’ not that I don’t hope but I feel so different now. I believed so utterly that we were supposed to be together forever, that he would come around and realise this for himself but he never did. I wanted him to have the same conviction as me, I realise now I should have told him myself, made him see.  
I tried to remind him last night of our chemistry together, of what we used to mean to each other but I think he only thought I was lonely. He wants love and romance but he still doesn’t link those with me and I am left to remember all on my own.  
I know I need to tell him, need to declare it much more boldly but I also know he might need his space after the situation with his ex-husband. Part of me feels if I wait any longer I may be too old but then another part of me knows I’d wait forever if I had a chance.  
Just writing that makes me sound so pathetic but as I danced with him tonight I knew that if we only had tonight, then at least we had tonight. The smell of his hair, the warmth of his back under my fingers, his kindness, his beautiful voice – I can know those things and love him utterly and completely on my own.  
Blaine Anderson is in love with Kurt Hummel – but only on my own.

xXx

Blaine finishes the blog post and decides to go for a run to clear his head before Kurt wakes up. He thinks that maybe he’ll cook him breakfast, waffles or pancakes and he quickly changes into his sweats before making a hasty departure to run through the park.   
Kurt wakes only a few moments after Blaine leaves, his hair a mess and rubbing his eyes he wanders into the kitchen to make coffee. Finding no Blaine, he is a bit surprised, knowing Blaine is an early riser so he goes to his bedroom and finds the door open. He is about to close his door when he notices his laptop still open on his bed and goes to close it, effectively shutting it down until he notices Blaine still has writing open and he doesn’t want him to lose any work that he hasn’t saved. A quick glance shows him this is no ordinary song-writing and he reads more closely:

Blaine Anderson is in love with Kurt Hummel – but only on my own.

He finds his heart clench and his mouth opens as he continues to scroll upwards so he can fully read the blog but that is not enough and he reads all the blog posts he can find. He reads the post that he read after his wedding day, the post he had assumed was written by a stranger. He reads the post of their first encounter, their shared Christmas times, their first kiss, Blaine’s worst mistake. All the posts, but especially remembering ‘Come What May’, cause tears to tingle in Kurt’s eyes and his chest to constrict at the realisation that he had forgotten. Forgotten Blaine and all that he had meant to him.  
It is then that Blaine returns and Kurt can hear his deep breathing after his run before he sees him. It is clear that Blaine tries the kitchen and living room before he wanders to his own bedroom to find Kurt. Kurt, who is sitting on Blaine’s bed, reading his blog posts with tears streaking down his face, his mouth wide open as Blaine enters. Blaine’s eyes glance from the open laptop to Kurt’s face and he can only look horrified as he realises – Kurt knows the truth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Blaine sings the Bruno Mars song ‘When I Was Your Man’ as his own. I changed the pronouns.   
> I also used 'We've got Tonight' by Bob Seger.


	10. Chapter 10

Blaine stands there for what appears to be the longest time, taking in Kurt’s tear stained face, his open mouth. Kurt doesn’t know what to say, merely a strangled “Blaine” comes out of his mouth, a desperate hand tries to reach out to him as Blaine backs away and leaves the apartment, without saying a word.   
Kurt remained, looking at his hands until he realises what has happened and he realises he needs to do something and starts to run after Blaine to find the streets around Blaine’s apartment are only crowded with other people, none of whom are who he wants to see, no one is Blaine.  
Having left the apartment door open on its latch, Kurt returned slowly still trying to process what had happened and why Blaine had run away rather than talk to him. He knows he has another meeting with the recording company today and he would be in need of a shower after his run but Blaine doesn’t return. Kurt leaves countless messages on his phone, which goes straight to voicemail but nothing works. It is then that he decides to contact the only friend who he knows Blaine will have told everything.

xXx

Blaine realised his error as soon as he left his apartment. He had nowhere to shower before his meeting and he could never meet Robert in his stained and smelly sweats so he called on a friend that lives nearby.  
“Blaine!” Sebastian exclaimed after picking up his phone, “I haven’t heard from you in ages, how are you?”  
“I’m just great,” Blaine said bitterly, “Are you in your apartment? Can I borrow your shower?”  
“Shower? What’s happened to yours?”   
“It’s a very long story, are you in?”  
“Yeah sure I mean I have to be in work in a couple of hours but…”  
“Great, see you soon,” Blaine said, not letting him finish before he hung up.  
Blaine jogged there so minutes later he arrived at Sebastian’s door and as soon as it was opened he practically leapt in, determined to avoid the general public as much as possible.  
“What happened to you?” Sebastian asked as Blaine stormed past him to sit on his sofa. Sebastian looked like he might start to laugh at Blaine’s dishevelled appearance until he saw Blaine’s expression and thought better. Blaine ran his hands through his now curly hair and here, in a place where Kurt couldn’t find him, he sighed in pain.  
“Hey, what’s wrong?” Sebastian said, his concerned expression something new to Blaine.   
“I don’t really know where to start,” Blaine said. Sebastian noticed a choked sob break free as Blaine struggled to breathe properly. He had never seen him like this.  
“The beginning?” Sebastian suggested.   
Blaine looked at Sebastian, someone he had only kept in touch with after Sebastian’s new job had taken him to New York. They had barely talked during Blaine’s time in college but would now meet for drinks with mutual friends. Blaine always took some comfort in his friendship with Sebastian, the guy that had nearly blinded him in high school. It made him feel quite proud of himself that he could forgive like that and he knew that Sebastian had changed, even if only slightly. It was perhaps his acid tongue and mocking nature that drove Blaine to him in the first place. He could always rely on his brutal honesty, and his determination to be the best was greatly admired by Blaine.   
“It’s Kurt,” Blaine started and Sebastian smirked.  
“Of course it is,” Sebastian said, “It always was.” Blaine looked up, not quite sure what he meant. “I never did understand why you were so besotted with old Betty White but you were and are and always will be. It’s written all over your face, I don’t know why he never knew.”  
“Well he knows now,” Blaine said, the thought again of Kurt’s tear stained, horror stricken face haunting him. Blaine explained the blog posts and filled him in on Kurt’s failed marriage with Adam.  
“Ouch,” Sebastian said, pulling a face, “I mean that’s gotta hurt. What did he say before you left to come here?”  
“Nothing,” Blaine said, “His face said it all.”  
“What, you mean you didn’t speak to him?”  
“Of course not, I don’t need him to say what I’ve imagined him saying if he ever found out. I mean I’ve been harbouring feelings for him for years, I don’t need to hear that he doesn’t feel the same way and doesn’t think it’s a good idea for us to see each other anymore.”  
“I think you had better eye sight when I threw that slushie,” Sebastian suddenly said, staring at Blaine as if he was the most ridiculous creature. Blaine was just confused.  
“He’s always loved you, you idiot,” Sebastian said, “You were like his sun and moon and all that crap. Adam may have married him but you were something else. It’s no coincidence that you stayed in his life, that he came to you after his marriage failed. He may not know it yet but you’re the love of his life.”  
Blaine shook his head as soon as he realised what Sebastian was trying to say.   
“I have never seen someone look so fierce and protective as Kurt did when I threatened to take you away from him. He would get that possessive glint in his eye, like that time we went to Scandals and he came to dance with you so I couldn’t or the quips he would send my way whenever I mocked you or your relationship. I was always kinda jealous if I’m honest.”   
“Don’t be stupid. I mean maybe years ago he felt like that, but not now, not after all these years. I’m the pathetic one that thought we were forever.”   
“Well speak to him; you owe it to yourself to find out.”  
Blaine nodded, thinking it through until he noticed the time and got up from the sofa.  
“Oh my god, I need to go, I have a meeting with the record company and I need a shower.”  
“You have a recording company now?” Sebastian asked, clearly jealous.  
“Yeah another long story, but can I have a shower first? You can make me breakfast,” Blaine said, as he walked to Sebastian’s bathroom. Sebastian just chuckled. 

xXx

“Thanks for meeting with me,” Kurt said as he placed their coffees on the table between them. Beth looked worried at what was to be expected from her but she smiled in thanks for the drink.  
“So what’s this about?” she asked, “I mean I haven’t seen you since your wedding but Blaine told me last week that things weren’t going well?”  
“Yeah you could say that,” Kurt laughed without humour, “I mean we’re getting a divorce. I’m staying with Blaine.” Beth raised an eyebrow.  
“Blaine never told me that bit,” she said.  
“Well I suppose he didn’t want to break my confidence, it’s not exactly well known. I’ve been pretending to be fine for so long, I think Adam almost believed we were ok.”  
“So you’ve been living with Blaine? How’s that been?”   
Kurt looked at Beth, her kind face and warm brown eyes drawing attention to the fact that she could easily pass for Blaine’s sister. He suddenly realised why Blaine called her his best girl friend, her kindness and the loving way she asked questions showing she had the perfect balance of compassion for someone’s pain mixed with a desire to help. He found himself explaining it all, how he had discovered the blog and Blaine’s true feelings and how Blaine had ran and not returned.  
“Wow, that’s messed up,” she said sadly, “Poor Blaine.”  
“You knew?” Kurt asked quietly, almost like stating a fact rather than asking a question.  
“Yes, I mean I can’t believe you didn’t know, it always was written all over his face.”  
Kurt felt his shoulders sink with the weight of it all. He had seen those expressions of longing from Blaine’s warm brown eyes tinged with green, so clear and open and assumed that he was aching for love in his own life, not necessarily with Kurt.   
“So how do you feel about it all?” Beth said. Kurt smiled, his mind travelling somewhere else.   
“It’s Blaine,” he said, “I mean it’s always been him. I tried so hard when I was a freshman to get over him that the only way I could do it was to avoid seeing him and spend all my time with Adam instead. I’d still ring Blaine, talk to him, see him with other people but I avoided him on my own because I knew. I knew if I spent any real time with him alone that I couldn’t pretend anymore. I honestly did believe that I was in love with Adam, otherwise I wouldn’t have married him, but there were times I would look at Blaine and I know I had to avoid seeing him.”  
“He is pretty awesome,” Beth said smiling, the romantic in her desperate to come out and sigh in happiness. “When were the moments?”   
“Oh I don’t know,” he said, suddenly bashful, his cheeks turning a lovely shade of pink. “He made these promises to me when we were still in high school and I know he kept them all. He would bake me cookies twice a year and always told me how much talent I had, always made me feel loved and special. He always picked up my phone calls no matter what the time, apart from today,” Kurt finished sadly.   
“He always defended you, you know,” she said kindly, “Never said a bad word against you.”  
“I know, I can’t believe how stupid I’ve been. I mean I just thought that he was the greatest friend anyone could ever have.”  
“Why didn’t you try again? I mean I know you must have forgiven him, you wouldn’t still be friends with him if you hadn’t.”  
“I told him the other day that I’d forgiven him ages ago, actually,” he said, remembering Blaine’s rendition of ‘Teenage Dream’ on the piano. “Did he tell you about our teacher’s wedding when Blaine was a senior at high school?” Beth only nodded and smiled.  
“God that was good, I just couldn’t get enough of him and I’d forgotten how intoxicating he could be,” he said staring wistfully into the distance. “It brought it all back when we danced to the same song the other night. I know he requested it but I thought maybe he was just lonely after Elliot was being cold towards him.”  
“What stopped you getting back together after that wedding?”  
“I knew he wanted it all then, I knew he wanted us to get back together but I just couldn’t admit it to myself. I don’t think I’d forgiven him then and I was so worried that if we ever hit another bump in the road that he would resort to cheating again.”  
“He’s never forgiven himself for what he did to you.”  
“I know,” Kurt said looking down, “Which is why I said it the other day, I know he needed to hear it and believe it. I know I made mistakes, I wasn’t there for him either.” Beth didn’t judge, only nodded as if she understood.   
“I read that blog post he’d written about ‘Come What May’ this morning and I couldn’t believe I had forgotten. Well maybe not forgotten as much as deliberately blocked it from my mind. He described it so beautifully, just like I remembered and it reminded me of when I had imagined him while watching the film with Adam and a bunch of friends. It was just what I wanted to sing at my wedding but never with Adam, only with Blaine. It’s always been Blaine,” Kurt said sadly, looking at the bottom of his empty coffee cup.  
“Then you need to tell him,” Beth said kindly.  
“But he ran,” Kurt said, “It’s too late.”  
“God you’re such an idiot,” she said, shaking her head, “Just as bad as Blaine. It’s never too late!” she almost shouted. Kurt looked at her wide eyed at her exclamation. “He will always love you, always,” she said emphatically. Kurt smiled. He would just have to show Blaine just how much he loved him too. 

xXx

Blaine seemed to be constantly rushing around that day. After leaving Sebastian after a hasty shower and breakfast and a promise to catch up properly with drinks soon, he dashed off again to meet with his recording company.   
They were eager to start the ball rolling with his career but knew that it was practically impossible to make a success of an album if you didn’t prepare the way first. They suggested a small national tour within the next year as soon as a few singles came out, with the plans to have an album early next year. They discussed ideas and marketing ploys; Blaine showed them what he already had in the form of songs and they suggested meetings with top producers and writers to hone his craft. Blaine was excited at the prospect of it all, despite his mind constantly wandering to Kurt’s tear stained face, and he wished that all areas of his life would be as simple as his singing career.   
The meeting went on for hours, the first time he had to share his vision for his career, so he only had time for a quick dinner at a diner he often frequented, before dashing off again to the bar he was to sing at that night. He had deliberately turned off his phone and wasn’t going to switch it on until after he had sung, knowing that Kurt would probably try to call him and offer pitying friendship.   
He arrived early at the bar but instead of drinking he started playing almost immediately which no one objected to. He was always so grateful that he could sing in these places and today he barely registered there were people watching him. As the hours went on and more people arrived, his songs changed tempo from quick and happy to slow and more tender. He always sung to reflect his mood and although he didn’t want to be selfish, it was always cathartic to sing songs that were swirling in his mind. Tonight was no exception.  
He didn’t notice Kurt come in near the end of his set, which was exactly what Kurt had hoped. So engrossed in the piano and the words he was singing Blaine didn’t see Kurt hover by the door, right at the back of the now crowded bar. Blaine started a new song, words of which had found their way into his last blog post and had swirled and eddied into his subconscious recently. 

And now I'm all alone again nowhere to turn, no one to go to  
Without a home without a friend without a face to say hello to  
And now the night is near  
Now I can make believe he's here

The crowd looked a little surprised that a man would attempt this song but they watched mesmerised by the sad man that only some recognised as a regular singer at this bar. 

Sometimes I walk alone at night  
When everybody else is sleeping  
I think of him and then I'm happy  
With the company I'm keeping  
The city goes to bed  
And I can live inside my head

On my own  
Pretending he's beside me  
All alone I walk with him till morning  
Without him I feel his arms around me  
And when I lose my way I close my eyes  
And he has found me

Blaine looked so happy as he closed his eyes against the people at the bar, clearly remembering Kurt’s face and what he meant to him. There was no sadness there and Kurt felt his breath hitch in his chest, almost like a choking feeling.

In the rain the pavement shines like silver  
All the lights are misty in the river  
In the darkness, the trees are full of starlight  
And all I see is him and me forever and forever

Kurt could see it all, ‘Come What May’ never meant so much as it did now. Kurt and Blaine had always been endgame, always forever and Blaine had known all along. Kurt had tried to pretend that he was better off without him but Blaine had hoped for the both of them.

And I know it's only in my mind  
That I'm talking to myself and not to him  
And although I know that he is blind  
Still I say, there's a way for us

I love him but when the night is over  
He is gone, the river's just a river  
Without him, the world around me changes  
The trees are bare and everywhere  
The streets are full of strangers

Kurt realised how Blaine had loved him for all this time, how painful it must have been to watch him marry Adam and he covered his mouth so the people around him wouldn’t notice his sob. Blaine seemed so desperately in love as he sang, Kurt wanted to run to him, assure him he loved him too and that he wasn’t alone anymore.

I love him  
But every day I'm learning  
All my life  
I've only been pretending  
Without me his world would go on turning  
A world that's full of happiness  
That I have never known

I love him  
I love him  
I love him  
But only on my own

Blaine’s fingers trailed over the piano keys as he finished, as if he was so utterly exhausted by his performance but on looking up he suddenly noticed there wasn’t a dry eye in the house and he looked sheepish. The glorious thing about music, he realised, was that everyone could feel his pain, everyone knew and no one judged. Instead they understood and sympathised. He simply thanked them and took a sip of water from his glass on top of the piano. He knew he couldn’t continue after that performance so he went to leave.   
He passed Kurt without realising he was near and Kurt deliberately shrank back into the crowd gathered at the bar but he saw Blaine leave. After a simple beat of his heart he started walking towards the exit Blaine had taken.  
The cold air hit his face as the door closed behind him and he turned down one side of the street to see Blaine’s retreating back, tucked inwards against the cold. He wanted to call out but was afraid at the reaction he would get, perhaps Blaine would run again, so he rushed to keep up with him until he was barely four metres behind him.   
“Blaine.”  
At the sound of his name, Blaine stopped without turning around, his shoulders immediately tensing, recognising the voice. Kurt closed the distance between them and Blaine turned around slowly.  
“Kurt.”  
There was only sadness in that voice, only longing and Kurt couldn’t take it any longer. He hugged him so close Blaine felt a rush of air leave his lungs.   
“Blaine, I love you too, god I love you too Blaine,” he rambled near his ear and Blaine seemed to sink and melt against him. As they parted Blaine looked at Kurt carefully, with tears in his eyes. He had never looked so incredulous and Kurt stroked his cheek and smiled.  
“It’s always been you Blaine.”  
Kurt looked so unbelievably happy that Blaine could only smile as tears twinkled in his eyes. He clung closer to Kurt, his hand holding onto his waist, his face mere inches from Kurt’s.   
“I should have said something before, I-” Blaine started but Kurt only placed a finger on his lip and smiled.  
“We have so much time for that, let’s not waste it anymore.”  
Blaine had dreamt about this moment so often he was sure he had died and gone to heaven. Kurt brought his lips to touch Blaine’s, softly, gently and it was the most glorious feeling. Blaine wasn’t dreaming, he wasn’t imagining his soft lips against his own, he would never have to love Kurt on his own again and it felt awesome.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song quoted:   
> ‘On My Own’ from Les Misérables


	11. Chapter 11

They walked home holding hands in a comfortable silence, Blaine enjoying the new position he found himself. It felt strange to even be holding Kurt’s hand, his skin soft but cold and he brushed his thumb along his knuckle to keep him warm. He had forgotten what it felt like to be able to carry out this most simple of gestures and he could feel the fuzzy feeling in his stomach grow until he assumed he was glowing with happiness. He beamed at Kurt, who beamed in return, then laughed, showing his dimple.  
“You are so adorable,” Kurt said as they nearly skipped along the quiet street.   
“You don’t know how long I’ve wanted to do just this and as soon as we get home, I’ll be able to do the other things I’ve wanted to do too,” Blaine said smiling. Kurt looked at Blaine and his face suddenly fell at Blaine’s sincere wish and all the heartache that was implied. He had only wanted to show Blaine how he felt too but the thought that he had waited all these years for these moments made Kurt feel apprehensive and guilty. Kurt knew he couldn’t live up to his expectations.  
“What’s wrong?” Blaine asked as he noticed Kurt’s face fall.  
“I’ve been such an idiot Blaine, all these years and you’ve waited and I know I can’t live up to how you remember me,” he said rambling and avoiding Blaine’s gaze.  
Blaine stopped him by his hands and forced him to look his way.  
“Kurt, don’t be silly. You were married, I knew nothing was going to happen then. I mean I would be lying if I said I didn’t wish this had happened earlier but I’m just glad it happened at all.”  
“How can you love me so much?” Kurt said wincing, “Why haven’t you moved on?”  
“It wasn’t just the fact that I promised Kurt,” he said smiling sadly, “I just knew you were it. I knew I would never meet anyone I loved as much as you so I stopped really looking. I filled the gap, there have been others, but you were my missing puzzle piece Kurt, no one else felt the same.”   
Kurt had never heard anything so sweet and his heart physically ached that he was home again, here with Blaine. He still couldn’t believe it had taken so many years and unnecessary heartache but he knew he had his whole life to make it up to Blaine. Tears sprung to his eyes and he smiled.  
“Six years…” Kurt whispered, shaking his head but Blaine came closer, sneaking his hand around his waist.  
“We have forever now don’t we?” Blaine asked quietly and Kurt nodded, a single tear making its way down his still pale cheek.

xXx

They made their way home and as they crossed the threshold, Kurt finally felt he had made it. He had been living with Blaine for over a week and it had always felt like he was staying with his best friend, almost borrowing his things and trespassing on his time and space. But as he walked in now something had changed. He could stop pretending that he was ok, could stop remembering Blaine fondly and see him here and now.   
They removed jackets and shoes silently, Blaine looking at Kurt with so much unbridled love that Kurt swallowed nervously as they made their way to Blaine’s room. Kurt rested his back on the closed door and Blaine came closer, just lightly brushing his fingers over Kurt’s cheek and jaw. Kurt closed his eyes at the touch, leaning in as Blaine’s fingers traced along his adam’s apple and collarbone. Just his simple touch had Kurt’s chest constricting and blood travelling south. There was always so much love there, always under the passion that Kurt never wanted to leave his side and he found himself moaning slightly. Blaine just smiled.  
Soon his lips were following the path his fingers had taken, lovingly kissing the soft skin that he remembered from so long ago. It was amazing to Blaine how Kurt hadn’t changed, how he remembered what drove Kurt wild, how he knew how to pull him apart at the seams. As Blaine carried on though, Kurt suddenly became impatient to touch and he started to unbutton Blaine’s shirt so he could stroke along the warm skin of his chest and feel the familiar dusting of hair. Blaine moaned near his neck at his touch and Kurt thought he might die at the sound. He had forgotten what it was like to hear Blaine fall apart by his hands, hadn’t allowed himself to think of Blaine at all during his years with Adam and as his hands travelled near the waistband of his jeans, waves of pleasure circled in his stomach. Kurt pushed them closer to the bed as he stripped Blaine of his shirt and Blaine finally kissed Kurt’s mouth in desperation.   
Kurt groaned as Blaine bit gently on his bottom lip and his tongue danced with his own, Blaine removing Kurt’s shirt too, desperate to see, desperate to touch. They parted reluctantly as the back of Blaine’s knees hit the bed and he fell to rest on his elbows, looking up at the glorious half naked sight of Kurt above him.  
Kurt smirked slightly at the blush of excitement across Blaine’s cheeks and the darkness of his eyes as Kurt started to remove his own belt and jeans. Blaine had waited for so long, had wanted so much that he could only look now, open mouthed and in awe of what was to happen. He had got himself off so many times at the image in front of him, the fantasy of Kurt’s skin, his lips, that he almost thought Kurt couldn’t live up to the vision in his mind but as Kurt finished stripping, finally bare, Blaine just gulped. He was perfect.  
Kurt looked slightly nervous at Blaine’s hot stare, his eyes raking over Kurt’s body. He needed to take over, making sure Blaine knew how much he was loved, how much he was wanted. Kurt crept closer to Blaine and started taking off Blaine’s tight pants, as Blaine’s eyes rolled in the back of his head and his arms shook trying to hold his body up to look at what Kurt was doing below.  
Once the offending items of clothing were removed and Blaine was revealed, Kurt’s eyes seemed to go impossibly darker and he lowered his mouth over Blaine, hard and pulsing beneath him. He licked tentatively, pressing his tongue along the prominent vein and Blaine bucked up in desire and want. He groaned loudly, years of imagining this never doing justice to the power of Kurt’s mouth over him.   
“Oh god Kurt, don’t stop…”  
Kurt licked more insistently and he hummed around him as he took the head in his mouth, causing Blaine to practically scream in pleasure.   
“Fuck!”   
Kurt licked one final time then worked his kisses along Blaine’s hipbone and his warm stomach.   
“God you drive me crazy Blaine,” Kurt moaned, sucking his hipbone noisily, “The noises you make…”  
Blaine moaned again as if in answer and bucked involuntarily again to find Kurt hard and insistent above him. As Kurt crawled up Blaine’s body, Blaine went further up the bed and soon flipped Kurt so he was underneath him on the bed. He kissed the soft skin on his stomach and went lower and lower until Kurt moaned in frustration.  
“God Blaine, I want you so much,” and he growled, making Blaine’s cock twitch with anticipation. Blaine went lower still but skimmed past his cock with just a slow lick and went lower to lick around Kurt’s hole and opened him wide with his tongue.  
“Fuck!” Kurt screamed in pleasure, “God that’s so good.”  
Blaine continued until Kurt was practically shaking in need of more and a finger was inserted, then two until Kurt begged and moaned loudly. Blaine lubed and placed the condom on whilst Kurt looked, his eyes so dark, only a ring of blue could be seen around his pupils. Kurt had never known arousal like this, had forgotten the powerful things Blaine could do to make him fall apart and he tugged him closer, desperate to be taken. Blaine entered slowly and closed his eyes shut when the amazing pleasure threaten to overwhelm him.  
“God you’re so tight…”  
Kurt opened his eyes at the gentle touch given by Blaine’s fingers grazing along his cheek. He looked up to see such love in Blaine’s eyes he thought he might burst and he felt tears spring to his eyes. He hadn’t allowed himself to dream, knew he shouldn’t want someone else but all his moments had led up to this. He was finally Blaine’s, he could finally just be Kurt – exactly what he was intended to be, his final purpose.  
Blaine started a simple rhythm, not too fast or hard, but the slow pleasure built up nonetheless and Kurt could feel his own cock bob on his stomach, desperate to be touched. As they continued Kurt could never remember feeling so full and so complete and Blaine seemed to sense this and kissed him slowly, all his love, all his want portrayed in just one kiss. He started stroking Kurt as he could feel the overwhelming need to come inside, to fill him up more. Kurt kissed him as Blaine fell apart above him, stilling slightly then coming hard in Kurt with a shout. Kurt watched as Blaine came, wonder at his beauty, at this man above him that loved him, knew him completely. Kurt came soon after as Blaine continued to stroke him. They stayed together, coming down from the high, until Blaine looked down at Kurt, completely sated and awestruck. Looking at him there, wrecked and spent, Blaine felt tears prick at his eyes and he clung to Kurt closer, fearing his disappearance, as if he was a dream.  
“You’re mine now,” Kurt whispered in his ear, kissing along the ear lobe and murmuring how much he was loved. Blaine clung to him a little more until he noticed the mess between them and went to the bathroom to get a cloth. Kurt remained on the bed and could only watch as Blaine cleaned him lovingly. Blaine finally came to rest beside him, sitting sideways and looking at Kurt, not wanting to speak to break the silence. Kurt’s eyes twinkled with love and he smiled gently.  
“Storm clouds may gather and stars may collide,” Kurt sang quietly and Blaine’s eyes widened at the memory, at the love he could see there. He thought his heart might just explode at the look of adoration in Kurt’s eyes.   
“But I love you,” Kurt continued and Blaine joined in just as quietly but fervently, “I love you.”  
“Until the end of time,” Kurt sung.  
“Until the end of time,” and Kurt’s lips found Blaine’s as he finished the song. Finally home, finally complete and they had shown that no matter how many years went pass, this was all that mattered.  
“Come what may,” was whispered between them. 

xXx

In My Life  
A blog celebrating love 

I never thought I would be able to end this blog on such a high note, never believed it would be possible to erase the heartache but here I am, writing what I always longed to write. I love Kurt Hummel and he loves me too.  
It was amazing to have such a return together and a real discussion this morning about where our future lay. Sometimes I look at him and can’t believe this is real. Other times, like in the kitchen this morning when he made pancakes, it feels like nothing has changed. We were always together, always in love.  
I know this is it, I have always known but knowing that Kurt feels the same, we can finally live our lives like they were meant to be. No more waiting, just him and me forever.  
Kurt will go on my tour with me, while he travels with his production, my agent saying that they’ll fit stops on my tour along with where Kurt ends up. I’m looking forward to finally seeing the country with the man I love – all my loves together – Kurt, music and America.  
I was thinking about the title of my blog, the fact that I can now erase the heartache and about The Beatles song that inspired it. I suddenly knew, as I sang this song tonight at the club with Kurt watching from the crowd, that I wouldn’t change a thing about my life, even the waiting. I think I will never appreciate Kurt as much as I do now and I know I have changed, becoming a better person but knowing what I really want and what love really means. I get to keep all my promises to Kurt, including the one about the kissing and I have never been happier. He was so worth the wait.

There are places I remember  
All my life, though some have changed  
Some forever not for better  
Some have gone and some remain

All these places had their moments  
With lovers and friends  
I still can recall  
Some are dead and some are living  
In my life I've loved them all

But of all these friends and lovers  
There is no one compares with you  
And these memories lose their meaning  
When I think of love as something new

Though I know I'll never lose affection  
For people and things that went before  
I know I'll often stop and think about them  
In my life I love you more

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song quoted:  
> 'In My Life' by The Beatles


	12. Epilogue

“How did you and granddad fall in love?”  
It was a simple question that had Blaine and Kurt smiling. Their youngest granddaughter Ellie, bored of her personal device and finished watching movies, had come to sit on Blaine’s knee to demand entertainment. At the grand old age of 76 Kurt was finishing a cake in the kitchen with Blaine sitting to watch and sip his tea after planting new bulbs in their garden. He could never get enough of Kurt baking, the smell, the movements of his arms, the concentrated look on his face, with his tongue slightly protruding. Blaine never tired of their life together and thinking back to the first time he realised he had fallen in love with Kurt was amazing too. Upon hearing Ellie’s question, Kurt had turned round from his baking to face Blaine and smile. He knew Blaine would need to be the one to explain the beginning as it was such a fantastic story from his point of view.   
Ellie looked at him impatiently, demanding an answer and Blaine chuckled.  
“Well it’s a very long story Ellie,” Blaine said, “But I first realised I loved your granddad when he sang a song called Blackbird.”  
“That song you sing when you sing me to sleep?” Ellie asked Kurt.  
“That’s the one,” Kurt said smiling.  
“So when did you know that you were in love with Grandpa?” Ellie asked Kurt.  
“Oh that took a little longer,” Kurt said sadly, “I knew I loved your Grandpa way before he did, when we sang our first Christmas duet but things happened and we broke up for a while.” Kurt hated telling this part of the story but Ellie seemed oblivious to any pain in the telling and just kept asking her questions.  
“So when did you really know?” she pressed.  
“I think I always knew, your Grandpa is a special guy,” Kurt said smiling at Blaine, who watched Kurt happily. He knew their past hurt Kurt more than it did Blaine. Kurt had never really forgiven himself for taking so long to realise, for wasting so much time they could have had together.   
“Granddad and I were best friends for the whole time in between, we just took a little while to get married,” Blaine said.  
“So how do you know if you love someone?” Ellie asked trying to sound innocent but Kurt and Blaine already knew that she had been spending a lot of time with a boy called Henry. At the tender age of eight, it looked like she was getting her first taste of love, the innocent and perfect love given by children.   
“Well you feel all fuzzy when you see them,” Blaine said smiling at Kurt.  
“And you can’t wait to see them and any time you’re apart you miss them like crazy,” Kurt continued.  
“They make you laugh and smile,” Blaine said.  
“And they give the warmest hugs,” Kurt said as Ellie pulled a disgusted face.  
“Well I can’t be in love then,” she said simply, “I don’t want to hug Henry, I just want to play and he’s really nice to me.”  
“That is perfect Ellie,” Kurt said, “Grandpa and I didn’t meet until I was 16 and he was 15. You don’t have to worry just yet.” Ellie looked happy with this answer and jumped off Blaine’s knee to inspect the cake that Kurt had just finished.  
“Can I lick the bowl?” she asked Kurt giving her most cheeky but adorable begging face.  
Kurt looked at Blaine and smiled, knowing what answer he just had to give. Blaine smiled and nodded.  
It was as Ellie was licking the bowl, totally engrossed in using all fingers to scoop out as much as possible that Kurt came closer to Blaine, stroking his back as he remained seated.   
“You still make me feel fuzzy,” Kurt said, his eyes twinkling.  
“And I miss you like crazy when we’re apart,” Blaine said, leaning into Kurt’s touch as he continued to rub his tired back.  
“I love you Grandpa,” Kurt said leaning in for a tender kiss.  
“I love you more Granddad.”


End file.
